As much as I want to, there is no place to hide when you're a fat woman in a thin world. Unless I become a recluse -and there's always hope as my great aunt Dolly was-there is always someplace to go.
There'll be a family wedding where I have to turn myself into a contortionist just to wrestle on a pair of pantyhose. If I go to a party, I get palpitations if I see folding, wooden chairs. I'm only asking for trouble there. I'm never fashionably late, I'm always unreasonably early as I want to get the best seat. And by that I mean something very sturdy where I can safely camp out. Every venture into public is an anxiety inducing affair as I have to be diligent about where my body is in relation to my surrounding environment.
Unlike other addictions, mine is there for the whole world to see. A stranger, at a passing glance, knows that I have a dysfunctional relationship with food. Food has been my constant companion for the last thirty years, through good times and bad. One bite is a whisper urging me on to have more.
It has crept insidiously into my life and affected every aspect of my life to the point that I know longer recognize myself. The person that I want to be and the person that I currently am are at opposite ends of the spectrum.
When I read these words that I've written, it makes me angry- for it is no way to live.
Today was a good day. I made healthy choices. But it wasn't easy. The temptation to comfort myself is always there and it is strong. I can't take it one day at a time for the day stretches out too long before me. It's easier to take it one meal at a time.
Every evening, I used to have for my 10pm snack a rock scone, a family sized Galaxy bar and a large cup of tea. Then I'd wash it down with some Gaviscon. Tonight, I juiced some fruit (I do love my juicer) and then I heated it up, because I do like a hot drink. And I love mulled wine. It was lovely and I bet I won't have to swig Gaviscon tonight.
When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
Hi Shell, I think that you so brave, I am behind you 100%. I have watched you struggle with your weight, if I could take the pain of that from you I would. Focus on yourself (and the boys that I love so much) and your health. Do not focus on him, he doesn't deserve that kind of attention or energy. We all know that fad diets and pills don't work, you're better off to obsess over making healthier eating choices and excercise. Take it slowly, baby steps are good, but us Zimmer girls want everything yesterday! You might have to think a little different!! I am so glad for you. I know you can do it. I love your blog, it's funny and creative. Never lose your humor, it gets us through a lot in life. I am all the way for you. Never give up.
ReplyDeleteHey Michele...KUDOS!!!! to you for making the decisions you have! I'm VERY proud of you and I'm with you 110%! One thing I wanted to tell you was in changing your mind set, you will be able to do anything! Just as you've done the last couple of days...picture yourself healthier & feeling better. Food is a terrible mind game, it plays bad tricks on us big girls and tries to tell us it'll be okay if we eat this or that, when in our hearts we know we can't. I was happy to read you were juicing and heating it up to replace another drink! That's great...you take it one meal at a time, one minute at a time, however you need to do it! And concentrate on yourself...once you begin to feel better about yourself - YOU GAIN YOUR POWER BACK (in all aspects of your life). We all love you Michele - everything about you - so keep up the fantastic work. Oh...1 other thing, don't get weigh-happy. I only weigh myself 1x a month on the same date each month. Trust me...you will see positive results!! Love you kiddo - don't give up, I KNOW all about the ZIMMER fight in you & I have faith in the fact that in reaching out to us, you can do this. If you faulter, don't be hard on yourself...we are all human, believe me when I tell you that...I've been there!! You're doing just fine!! :)
ReplyDeleteMichele, this blog is just lovely. And what you say is so heart-rending - it strikes chords all over the place. Comfort eating is such a dichotomy isn't it? There's no comfort from it. It's like a punishment. Eat this and you WILL feel worse. God, the number of times I've stared a chcolate mini roll in the face and told it "I know if I eat you I will hate myself afterwards" and still do. Both. I think it's a women's guilt thing. We are born carrying guilt just as we are born with a finite number of eggs to propogate in our lifetime. But we use contraception to 'plan' when and if we want our eggs to be fertilised, so we should also give ourselves the right to choose when we want to feel the guilt we're saddled with too.
ReplyDeleteIt IS simply up to us.
It's finding the strength and having the willpower to actually do it that's the bugger.
But I believe in you, Michele, and I know you can do it.
Behind you every step of the way, girl!
xXx