Mission Not So Impossible

It's easy to be overwhelmed. I am. Sometimes, when I think about the amount of weight that I need to lose it makes me want to sit down and a) cry b) eat more chocolate and/or c) lose the will to live. Despite all of this, I have one affliction; I am afflicted with this tiny thing called 'hope.' I'm full of hope that my life can be better, that I can be better. It's the eternal optimist in me that rears her dreamy head every so often if only to whisper in my ear that everything will be all right. It's what keeps me sane. For whatever reason, this time I am determined. Like a dog with a bone, I'm going to deal with this. I'm going to fix it, acknowledge it, own it. And if I fall down and have a piece of chocolate cake, I'm not going to beat myself up over it or use it as an excuse to slide into a food fugue. I'm going to be the Zimmer girl that I am and brush myself off, take the bull by the horns and get on with it.

When I was back in the US at Christmas, I met up with my friend, Patti. She was profiled here last summer with her 95lb weight loss. She has maintained it and credits her boot camp workouts as part of the formula for her success. But she said something to me that has stuck with me ever since. I had mentioned to her the overwhelming feeling of having to lose so much weight and she agreed and said that yes, it was hard, but it was doable.

Doable.

For the past month, that word has boomeranged around the inside of my until it has become my mantra. Doable. I figure, if anything, Patti knows. She's got the 95lbs off to back up that statement.

So I work on replacing my attitude of mission impossible with doable.

Doable, oh how I love that word.

A New Year

I've just returned from a fabulous and long overdue trip to the US. The boys and I had a blast and are counting the days until summer when we return.
I'm aware that I've been crap lately at posting on this blog. From my last post (in August) until now, I've been inert and supine on the couch and discovering the new (to me) world of television. Prior to my separation, I rarely, if at all, watched tv. Now, with the boys spending time with their father, I find I have a lot of time on my hands. Lots.
After the initial relief and euphoria of moving into my own place wore off, I was confronted with the question of 'Ok, now what? What do I do with the rest of my life?' Being one who avoids confrontation like the plague, I decided not to think about it and spend my time on the couch, zoning.
Four months later, enough is enough. Even as I write this, it's because I was sick to death of lying on the couch and watching endless tv.
From the couch, wrapped up in the lives of characters on my favorite shows, I could ignore what was happening in my own life: my problems and most of all my weight. But the truth is, I can't ignore it anymore. Especially the part about my weight. I know this sounds familiar and I've written plenty of posts where I've brushed myself off and started again. And fell down again. There are no guarantees that this time will be different. But I have to try.
Right now, I'm at a place in my weight- over 300lbs., a place in my wildest nightmares I'd never thought I'd be- where every single pound gained is felt. 50, 100lbs ago I could put on 10, 20 pounds and the only place I'd notice it was in my waistband. Not so anymore. Every pound is felt in every step and in any attempt to do anything.
So what on earth does it take for me to sit up and pay attention?
I'll tell you.
I can't ignore the fact that when I get up from a chair I can not stand up straight. I can't ignore that I have to limit myself to 2 trips upstairs- morning and evening- because that's all I can handle. I can barely bend over to put my socks on. I get breathless getting dressed in the morning. And don't even get me started on the state of my knees. Not to mention the endless list of diseases that I'm at risk for if I continue down this slippery slope of self gratification with food. Type 2 diabetes, anyone?
I can't ignore it anymore, as much as I want to. The time has come to get serious about my health.

Patti's Story

I love testimonials- especially where weight loss is concerned. The first thing I check out when it comes to a new diet or even gastric bypass surgery is the testimonials. I love before and after pics and I admire success. There's something hopeful about a testimonial- something that tells me that some day that could be me.
My friend, Patti, who has been on a lifestyle change since last year, has agreed to answer some questions and share her story and some before and after pictures.

• How much weight have you lost so far and how long did it take to do it? How much more do you have to go?
  So far, I have lost 93 lbs since May 4, 2009. My goal is to at least lose 7 more and get to 100 lbs. If I were to go by the BMI chart , I would have to lose about 30lbs more but my trainer says that those charts are unrealistic. One thing that makes the "number on the scale" idea unrealistic is that the Biggest Loser/Boot camp style workouts not only burn calories and fat but build muscle which adds weight. My trainer says the best way to monitor your progress is to do the body fat composition measurements. You may actually gain weight but lose body fat which is actually better. (But I still struggle with that cause I've always just looked at the scale)
  
  
• What was it this time that 'clicked' for you and made it happen this time?
  This Body Transformation program was brought to my office as a 12 week program with workouts twice a week and nutritional support. A friend from work asked me if I was going to join. I knew how overweight I was and had never been that weight before but just couldn't get myself to do anything about it. I really can't figure out what was different about this situation in the beginning other than the group idea of women mostly in my situation too (very overweight and badly out of shape). I always do well in the beginning with the challenge of a new program and learning how to eat differently. If I knew what the workouts were going to be like, I probably wouldn't have joined. I would have been too intimidated and never done it. But with the group of us starting together, and complaining together about all the aches and pain from the first workout really helped us bond and stick with it. There was probably a 50% drop out by end of 12 weeks but my little support group stuck it out and went to the gym together extra thus working out 5-6 times a week.

• Have you tried other diets in the past?
• I have done many other diets: Weight Watchers (too many times to count) Nutri System, Dexitrim, Metabolife, starvation and moderate cutting back of food. Would lose some weight but never able to keep any of it off for even 1 month.
  
  
• What kind of plan and exercise regime do you follow?
  Right now I'm following an eating plan similar to South Beach but the percentages are a little different. Basically I'm eating about 1500 cal. per day, split into 5meals per day which means each meal should be about 300 cal. With each meal, 40% should be carbs, 40% protein and 20% fat. So looking at grams, each meal has about 32grams of carbs, 32grams protein and about 8 gms of fat. My trainer gave us a chart/formula to individually figure it out. There is a great website called myfitnesspal.com which really helps you figure the individual meals out and puts it in a chart which really helps. This eating plan took me a couple weeks to really get a handle on but it has been great. The meals don't sound big and they shouldn't be, but eating more protein and cutting back on carbs makes the world of difference. I eat at 7am, 10:30am, 2pm, 6pm and 830pm. So I get to snack while watching tv at night and don't feel like too much is missing.
  
• If you fall off the wagon, how do you get back on?
  I have 1 very close friend still doing the program with me. We work out together and this is a really big key for me. I just know I wouldn't have kept up with this if I didn't have a friend doing it too. We feel accountable to each other. Its much harder to skip out on going to the gym if you know someone is meeting you there. But believe me, we both have had some bad weeks , usually in between the 12 week workout sessions where a bad weekend rolls into a bad 2 weeks of eating. Its her support that gets me back on track and vice versa. She tells me, "you have to stop eating that", "stop going for ice cream" etc. Those carbs are so addictive that it is really hard to stop once you let yourself have "too many". That combined with this amazing feeling of seeing how far Ive come that really helps reel me back in and stop it.
  
• What advice would you give other people trying to lose weight or just trying to get motivated?
  The workouts are a really big key to the puzzle. You can drop weight initially, but you really need good hard exercise to take it to the next level. I have lost so many inches because of the workouts that I would never have lost with just diet. Its expensive to do 1 on 1 training at a gym, but if you can find some workout groups that focus on even just body resistance that is a good place to start. Don't look at the end point of where you want to be, you have to start small and think.. I'm gonna survive this workout, I'm gonna do this for a week, etc. When you accomplished that, then the next week isn't so bad. And trust me, I've left a workout early and have had bad weeks because my mind wasn't in it. But I just keep going back and I understand now that some days are going to be easier than others. Our monthly cycles certainly don't take it easy on us either, but just accepting that some days are just going to be hard seems to make it easier for me to go back

• In what ways has the weight loss changed your life? Any unexpected ways?
  Getting my self confidence back has been quite empowering. That has been the best gift I could have gotten. The gym I belong to has a Facebook site.. Fitness360 . The 360 logo has red circle arrow around it. (there are a lot of fitness 360 gyms across the country but this isn't a chain) . There are a lot of good before and after pictures . One guy has lost over 200lbs in the last year.

Permanence

In the previous post, I mentioned my abnormal fear of the idea of 'permanence.' This came up at Lynn's Weigh, a blog that I follow, when a question was posed to successful 'losers' who had lost their weight and kept it off. The question was: 'What was it this time that did the trick? What clicked that hadn't clicked before? And there was one answer that really affected me. The person accepted the fact that they had to make permanent lifestyle changes.

Sigh.

It's the word permanent that scares the be-jesus out of me. The idea of giving up chocolate and the rest of my highly processed food permanently gives me the heebie-jeebies. Honestly, I don't know if I can do it. How will I cope? Will it trigger a slide back into that black hole of depression? What if I give it all up (the food, I mean) and nothing changes? What if my self confidence, my self image and my self esteem remain the same?

In her book, You Can Be Thin, Marissa Peer posits the theory that we do things out of habit that we link pleasure to and we avoid things that we link pain to. In its most simplistic terms, pain is a great motivator. Currently, I derive a lot of pleasure and comfort from eating the wrong kinds of food and I choose to ignore the pain that this causes. The pain being my inability to walk more than a few steps, the need for a double knee replacement at 44 and wearing the only designer label that fits me: 'morbidly obese.' I must have a high pain threshhold, for how long can I ignore these painful facts? And there are more of these if I should choose to list them.

In the same vein, it's the pain I focus on when I think about that I have to 'give' up my favorite foods, choosing to ignore the pleasure that's linked with permanent weight loss: better health, improved mobility, better looks, more self confidence and the list goes on.

Before I can really tackle my weight, I need to do some 'mental' prep work. I can look at the past 8 months as a failure but I can't; I prefer to see it as a journey which is how I arrived here in this spot today. It's the same as building a house without a proper foundation. I cannot deal with my body until I deal with my mind.

It's time to work on changing my attitude.

And the journey of enlightment and awakening continues.

Note to My High School Self

When I look back at my high school years, which I do often in order to find answers, I wonder if I could have done anything differently. Turns out, I probably could have. I've come to the conclusion that the problem was me and not those around me. I had a terminal case of the disease to please and the need for approval from certain people. If I hadn't been so afflicted maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I would have turned out differently.

Week 3- Unislim-

I made myself accountable and went to my Unislim meeting last night, despite the fact that I had a crappy week. It turned out to be a no gain, no loss week. I'm the same as last week. Still 16 pounds gone and a renewed sense of commitment. On Wednesday, I dusted myself off, stood up and got back on track. 2 days later, I'm still on track.

Last week, I took 2 leisurely walks but if I walked any slower, I would have been going backwards. This week, I decided to incorporate some 'exercise' into my routine. Now I use that word loosely in a way in which a 300 pound woman can. I managed (euphemism) to go for a brisk 15 minute walk 3 times this week. By the end of it, I was practically gasping but I was still upright, so it was a victory of sorts- even if I did need a respiratory treatment.

For the next week, I will be concentrating on eating healthy, walking (some more) and most of all, being kind to myself and others.

Stay tuned.

Toolbox Tuesday- The 7 Minute Rule

I managed to get through 19 days without chocolate. I won't lie, I miss it. Alot. Chocolate is my drug of choice. But like all bad relationships, it must come to an end. But there are times when the urge is much greater than my willpower. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak and all that. And today was one of those days.

When I'm stressed, my desire for chocolate escalates- as it is my way to anesthetize myself. And right now my stress level is in the stratosphere. I finally found a place for me and the boys to live. The relief, although welcome and overwhelming, is tempered by the fact that I had to tell him. Mr Not-So-Wonderful. And as I predicted he did not handle it well and things have escalated here in the house. And that's all I'll say about that. Saturday night, I had chips from the chipper. And today, was a carb fest.

This is where the 7 minute rule comes in. In talking to my counselor about my strong desire for chocolate, she suggested that I wait 7 minutes before eating it and see if the craving passed and if, after 7 minutes I still craved the chocolate, to have it. And then gradually build up the minutes, so you're waiting longer to give into the craving. I have been trying that, and so far it has worked. Until today. The past few nightmarish days coupled with the fact that today is our 8th (and probably last) wedding anniversary have come to bear. It has been a horrendous day and about 2pm, I caved and ate all the chocolate as well as alot of carbs. I felt sick and sluggish. For the first time in 2 weeks, I had to take a nap after dinner.

This is a pivotal moment for me because this is the point where I usually fall off the bandwagon and not show up at the Unislim meeting on Thursday. But I can't because too much is at stake and to be honest, I don't want to give up. And I have to look at it like this: it was bad, it's over and it is what it is. It's time to move on.

Stay tuned.