I'm Still Here

I've been thinking about writing this blog post since February. It's now almost May. I guess I'll never be accused of being speedy.

There's a saying that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different outcome. And if you take away the expectation, then what you have is a habit.

In January, I went temporarily insane. While in the States in December, I jumped onto the newest diet bandwagon, anxious to start it right away, full of hopes and dreams that this time was going to be it. It was going to be the magic bullet and solve all of my weight problems and I'd be thin and happy and rich and you get the picture. I grabbed onto this diet with both hands like it was a lifeline and wanted it to be that. But secretly, deep down- after thirty plus years of trying every diet out there- I hate 'diets' because I know that they don't work long-term and the statistics are consistent enough to back that up.

I lasted 3 days on the 7 day detox phase where the only thing you ate was fruits and vegetables. My capacity for any diet is 3 weeks and true to form, by the third week I began feeling anxious, restless and most of all, deprived. In the end I gave up on that particular diet, but not my determination to lead a healthier life.

In February, the boys were out a week with a terrible bout of the flu- different weeks of course- and I used food as my coping mechanism. But when it was over, I was aware of what I had done and was determined not to use it as an excuse to slide into one long binge.

On February 18th, I started walking-not for exercise or to lose weight- but in an effort to get a handle on my anxiety. The first day, my husband went with me. I had asked him and even though we're separated, he would help me like that. I was afraid that I wouldn't make it or worse that one or both of my knees would buckle. I managed 14 minutes- 7 minutes one way and 7 minutes back. Granted, I had to hang onto my husband to get back, but I did make it.

I've been walking ever since and am now up to 30 minutes. I've discovered the 99 acre Demesne park in town and it's quite lovely as you can see from the pictures.

And after two months, I can see a difference. Thursday, we took the boys to the Fota Wildlife Park and we were there for over 5 hours and I managed to walk the entire thing. Granted, I would have to sit down on a bench and rest at times, but dammit, I was able to do something with my boys. At Christmas, I could barely stand up. A pair of pants that I had bought in December, are now falling off of me and I love wearing them because it reminds me that I'm doing it. Right now.

Unlike other attempts in the past where I would try to figure out the maximum amount of weight I could lose in the shortest possible time, I'm taking this one slow. I'm happy with my weight loss so far and am ok with the fact that I have many more pounds to go.

One day at a time.

Mission Not So Impossible

It's easy to be overwhelmed. I am. Sometimes, when I think about the amount of weight that I need to lose it makes me want to sit down and a) cry b) eat more chocolate and/or c) lose the will to live. Despite all of this, I have one affliction; I am afflicted with this tiny thing called 'hope.' I'm full of hope that my life can be better, that I can be better. It's the eternal optimist in me that rears her dreamy head every so often if only to whisper in my ear that everything will be all right. It's what keeps me sane. For whatever reason, this time I am determined. Like a dog with a bone, I'm going to deal with this. I'm going to fix it, acknowledge it, own it. And if I fall down and have a piece of chocolate cake, I'm not going to beat myself up over it or use it as an excuse to slide into a food fugue. I'm going to be the Zimmer girl that I am and brush myself off, take the bull by the horns and get on with it.

When I was back in the US at Christmas, I met up with my friend, Patti. She was profiled here last summer with her 95lb weight loss. She has maintained it and credits her boot camp workouts as part of the formula for her success. But she said something to me that has stuck with me ever since. I had mentioned to her the overwhelming feeling of having to lose so much weight and she agreed and said that yes, it was hard, but it was doable.

Doable.

For the past month, that word has boomeranged around the inside of my until it has become my mantra. Doable. I figure, if anything, Patti knows. She's got the 95lbs off to back up that statement.

So I work on replacing my attitude of mission impossible with doable.

Doable, oh how I love that word.

Week 1-Unislim

Well, I managed through week 1 of Unislim without too much difficulty- a few minor problems that I was determined to overcome:

-no chocolate for 8 days now! This is the longest I've gone in a long time. I'm determined to beat my addiction to chocolate. This is my biggest problem area as I have worked my way up to eating 3! family size Galaxy bars a day. Zoinks! 2000 of my daily calories came from chocolate alone, not even funny.
-Thursday, for whatever reason, was a day of discontent for me. I can't explain why or pinpoint any one thing, it was just one of those days, but I was determined to stick with it and not use it as an excuse to slide. Besides, Thursday is weigh in day and I didn't want to mess that up. So, I decided to take a little break from my life: no computer, no writing and no housework ( no fear there) and I took an easy day and just read all day- just what I needed. Felt great this morning, up at 7am (remember, I'm not a morning person) and ready to handle what the day has to offer.
-I wasn't perfect a couple of times but I followed the advice in the Unislim book which said 'forgive yourself immediately.' Instead of beating myself up, I'm going to be kind to myself. In the past, as soon as I 'cheated', I'd give up if I couldn't be 100% perfect. I can't let perfection be the standard by which I judge myself. And there is no such thing as cheating! It's a poor choice, that's all. I'll make the next choice a good one. And what were my poor choices? I had an extra helping of hummus on oat crackers ( I love hummus)and a handful of Pringles one night.

There were two things I learned this week that were important to me:
-at the weekly Unislim meeting, Bernie, our leader, reminded us that 'we're not on a diet,' we're on a permanent healthy eating plan. That works for me.
-second, came this little gem from the book: 'those that are most successful with their weight loss in the long term are those who recover sooner rather than later.' (in response to having a bad day)

Anyways: here are my results for the first week:

Start weight: 23.4 stone*

Week 1: 22.6 stone ( 316 pounds, 142.8kg)


Yeah 12! pounds gone! I know it's mostly water but I can see my ankles again!

*1 stone = 14 pounds

Now for the hard part: sticking with it and being accountable and showing up every week. Of all the times, I've joined Weight Watchers or Unislim, I've never filled out my entire card as I always stopped going after the 2nd or 3rd week. I have a short term goal of attending 6 meetings( lasting 6 weeks). My long term goal is to fill up my card- which means a 16 week commitment.