My Constant Companion

In a previous post, I mentioned that I started walking back in February to get a handle on my anxiety, a faithful companion for the last twenty plus years.
Although I've never been formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, if it quacks like a duck and all of that. And because I've never been diagnosed, I take no medication for it. And I wouldn't want to anyways: I'm adverse to taking anything unless I really have to.
My anxiety is exacerbated by stress and the fact that I'm obese does not help. Talk about the proverbial vicious circle.
When I look back on my life, I can not pinpoint the place in time when I first was afflicted with it. All I know is that it popped up somewhere in my twenties.
Anxiety is always in the background, lurking in the corner. I have no idea when it will strike and the most inane thing can set it off.
But these are my symptoms:
First, I will have vague sense of unease. There's a slight shift in my well being about nothing in particular or everything. This is how it always starts. Gradually, it escalates to restlessness, chest tightness, illogical thinking and then full blown agitation.
The chest tightness is about the size of a grapefruit in the middle of my chest. It both expands and constricts at the same time. It can feel like a vice and it physically hurts. When I get to this part, I know that I am in trouble.
The illogical thinking is defiant. An illogical thought will careen around the inside of my like a runaway train. My rational mind will argue against it but it is soon overwhelmed by the thought processes that have gone off the rails.
This all leads to agitation, which is an awful feeling: restlessness squared. You don't know whether to sit up, stand or pace; to cry, scream or remain mute.
In the past, a phone call to one of my sisters helped to alleviate it. Why? Because they could distract me like no one's business. And they know me and my anxiety well enough to know how to navigate through the choppy waters. And God was good when He gave me two sisters: one to prop me up on each side. Both Jen & Bec- to their eternal credit- can get me out of it. But it can sometimes take a good hour. Initially, they are sympathetic and talk logic to me and then they go in for the kill: they distract me. But by the end of it, I am exhausted.
My husband is just realizing the harsh reality of my anxiety and has expressed a willingness to help.
I started my own research on the internet because I couldn't keep eating up these huge blocks of time of my sisters' lives. The mantra out there is this: deep breathing, exercise, meditation and yoga. ( I have to forget yoga- no one tells you that you have to be uber flexible to do some of those poses).
And that's why I started walking- to take the edge off and it has helped. I also am trying to be more aware of when I feel that sense of unease coming on and nipping it in the bud before it gets out of control.
Anxiety's cousin, Depression, gets a lot of media attention which is good because it leads to awareness,demystifies it and lessens the stigma attached to it. Recently, Catherine Zeta Jones spoke about her problems with bipolar disorder. Here in Ireland, Marian Keyes has gone public with her own battle with depression. Maybe someday a celebrity will speak out about anxiety and how apprehensive they are towards the setting sun when the dark can make it ten times worse. It's time to bring it out of the closet.

Thanks to Natalie Dee for the fabulous comic.

I'm Still Here

I've been thinking about writing this blog post since February. It's now almost May. I guess I'll never be accused of being speedy.

There's a saying that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different outcome. And if you take away the expectation, then what you have is a habit.

In January, I went temporarily insane. While in the States in December, I jumped onto the newest diet bandwagon, anxious to start it right away, full of hopes and dreams that this time was going to be it. It was going to be the magic bullet and solve all of my weight problems and I'd be thin and happy and rich and you get the picture. I grabbed onto this diet with both hands like it was a lifeline and wanted it to be that. But secretly, deep down- after thirty plus years of trying every diet out there- I hate 'diets' because I know that they don't work long-term and the statistics are consistent enough to back that up.

I lasted 3 days on the 7 day detox phase where the only thing you ate was fruits and vegetables. My capacity for any diet is 3 weeks and true to form, by the third week I began feeling anxious, restless and most of all, deprived. In the end I gave up on that particular diet, but not my determination to lead a healthier life.

In February, the boys were out a week with a terrible bout of the flu- different weeks of course- and I used food as my coping mechanism. But when it was over, I was aware of what I had done and was determined not to use it as an excuse to slide into one long binge.

On February 18th, I started walking-not for exercise or to lose weight- but in an effort to get a handle on my anxiety. The first day, my husband went with me. I had asked him and even though we're separated, he would help me like that. I was afraid that I wouldn't make it or worse that one or both of my knees would buckle. I managed 14 minutes- 7 minutes one way and 7 minutes back. Granted, I had to hang onto my husband to get back, but I did make it.

I've been walking ever since and am now up to 30 minutes. I've discovered the 99 acre Demesne park in town and it's quite lovely as you can see from the pictures.

And after two months, I can see a difference. Thursday, we took the boys to the Fota Wildlife Park and we were there for over 5 hours and I managed to walk the entire thing. Granted, I would have to sit down on a bench and rest at times, but dammit, I was able to do something with my boys. At Christmas, I could barely stand up. A pair of pants that I had bought in December, are now falling off of me and I love wearing them because it reminds me that I'm doing it. Right now.

Unlike other attempts in the past where I would try to figure out the maximum amount of weight I could lose in the shortest possible time, I'm taking this one slow. I'm happy with my weight loss so far and am ok with the fact that I have many more pounds to go.

One day at a time.