My Constant Companion

In a previous post, I mentioned that I started walking back in February to get a handle on my anxiety, a faithful companion for the last twenty plus years.
Although I've never been formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, if it quacks like a duck and all of that. And because I've never been diagnosed, I take no medication for it. And I wouldn't want to anyways: I'm adverse to taking anything unless I really have to.
My anxiety is exacerbated by stress and the fact that I'm obese does not help. Talk about the proverbial vicious circle.
When I look back on my life, I can not pinpoint the place in time when I first was afflicted with it. All I know is that it popped up somewhere in my twenties.
Anxiety is always in the background, lurking in the corner. I have no idea when it will strike and the most inane thing can set it off.
But these are my symptoms:
First, I will have vague sense of unease. There's a slight shift in my well being about nothing in particular or everything. This is how it always starts. Gradually, it escalates to restlessness, chest tightness, illogical thinking and then full blown agitation.
The chest tightness is about the size of a grapefruit in the middle of my chest. It both expands and constricts at the same time. It can feel like a vice and it physically hurts. When I get to this part, I know that I am in trouble.
The illogical thinking is defiant. An illogical thought will careen around the inside of my like a runaway train. My rational mind will argue against it but it is soon overwhelmed by the thought processes that have gone off the rails.
This all leads to agitation, which is an awful feeling: restlessness squared. You don't know whether to sit up, stand or pace; to cry, scream or remain mute.
In the past, a phone call to one of my sisters helped to alleviate it. Why? Because they could distract me like no one's business. And they know me and my anxiety well enough to know how to navigate through the choppy waters. And God was good when He gave me two sisters: one to prop me up on each side. Both Jen & Bec- to their eternal credit- can get me out of it. But it can sometimes take a good hour. Initially, they are sympathetic and talk logic to me and then they go in for the kill: they distract me. But by the end of it, I am exhausted.
My husband is just realizing the harsh reality of my anxiety and has expressed a willingness to help.
I started my own research on the internet because I couldn't keep eating up these huge blocks of time of my sisters' lives. The mantra out there is this: deep breathing, exercise, meditation and yoga. ( I have to forget yoga- no one tells you that you have to be uber flexible to do some of those poses).
And that's why I started walking- to take the edge off and it has helped. I also am trying to be more aware of when I feel that sense of unease coming on and nipping it in the bud before it gets out of control.
Anxiety's cousin, Depression, gets a lot of media attention which is good because it leads to awareness,demystifies it and lessens the stigma attached to it. Recently, Catherine Zeta Jones spoke about her problems with bipolar disorder. Here in Ireland, Marian Keyes has gone public with her own battle with depression. Maybe someday a celebrity will speak out about anxiety and how apprehensive they are towards the setting sun when the dark can make it ten times worse. It's time to bring it out of the closet.

Thanks to Natalie Dee for the fabulous comic.

I'm Not Usually Jealous But...

By my own nature I am not a jealous person.If anything, I'd be the opposite.In fact, one thing I love is weight loss testimonials because it gives me hope that someday it could be me.When others succeed, I'm happy for them.When they acquire nice things, I'm happy.Others succeeding and aquiring tends to inspire me.For if it can happen to them, it can happen I just don't do jealous.
Except for this one big thing.
Two weeks ago, we took the boys to Fota Island Wildlife Park and it was there that I first laid eyes on a scimitar horned oryx (see accompanying pic).I was perfectly all right-living happily in a jealous free zone- until he leaned his head back and used his horns to scratch his back.
Instantly, I was consumed with jealousy.For I've had this itch in the most unreachable part of my back for a long time- and I can never quite get to it.I've used doors, corners, the letter opener, pointy ends on anything, etc.In fact Daniel walked in on me one day using the letter opener to reach the middle of my back and commented, "If you need to use that to scratch your back then you should see a doctor." He's eight and he may have a point.
But I thought if I had a pair of horns on my head like that I might just be able to get that itch scratched properly.
Just saying.