I'm Back!

Saturday, the 19^th was my 47^th birthday and I woke up thinking I’m still fat, broke and unpublished. I could actually feel myself starting to slide into that black pit of depression. I haven’t been there since January of 2009 when I got so depressed I stayed in bed for 3 weeks. Eight months of therapy and anti-depressants eventually pulled me out of it. But it came at a cost: I put on close to forty pounds as a side effect of the medication. I’m still struggling to get that weight off.  Depression is a place that I am determined not to revisit. Anxiety is usually my constant companion and over the years I have learned to manage that through meditation, distraction and deep breathing. However, last week was a bad week, with one thing after another and the anxiety got the better of me, overwhelmed me and opened the door for depression. I’ve examined the state of my affairs closely. Yes, I’m still unpublished and my dream of becoming a paid writer is still just that: a dream. But I am doing everything I can to make it happen: I’m writing. A lot. And I’ve learned a lot about the writing process in the last seven years. I just need to hang on and continue what I’m doing. As for being broke, I’m doing everything I can short of moving back to the US. The unemployment rate in this lovely country is close to 15%. My husband as a carpenter, has become a victim of this recession like so many other tradesmen. But even my field, healthcare, is taking a hit. A bastion that I had once considered ‘safe’ is no longer as I watch both my hours and base pay get cut over and over again. Again, I’m doing everything I can: taking any kind of work where I can find it. Now for the part about being fat: my attempts to get to grips with the thing that I actually have the most control over is haphazard at best. There have been small changes and as you can see from the stats, I’m still not where I need to be, but thankfully, I’m not at my all-time high.

So, I struggled through my birthday, in a really dark place. I went for a fifteen minute walk (that’s all I could manage) and used some tools that I learned in the past. I kept busy. It was hard day. I was sliding all day. But it didn’t get any worse. When I woke Sunday, I felt a little bit better and went for another fifteen minute walk. Yesterday, I felt like I was back on track. Ready again, to tackle my weight. I have limited control over the last two things, but I certainly have control over the first. I must keep trying.