Truth and Consequences

For the past two days, I've struggled with this blog.

I am where I am today because of choices that I've made previously. And as indicated by the big mess I find myself in, I've made some doozy choices.
Thursday and the first half of Friday were a day and a half of bad choices. Already. Only ten days into my project and I've fallen down. In 36 hours, I managed to down 2 family sized Galaxy bars, 2 brownies and 2 rock scones.

By Friday afternoon, I had to pull myself together, not out of any sense of honor or responsibility to myself, but for the mere fact that I had paid a price. And it was a high one.

The previous Monday, after an outpatient endoscopy (they put a tube with a camera down your throat to look at your esophagus and stomach), the surgeon informed me that my stomach was so inflammed that it was the start of an ulcer. Now I realize that the stress in my life is one factor, but really, all the chocolate I've consumed in the past year as everything went pear shaped in my life has probably been a major contribution to my stomach problems. I've gone past the heartburn, drink the Gaviscon phase, now it's all out substernal pain immediately after eating chocolate or anything else that doesn't agree with me.

If that wasn't enough, my doctor advised me to take Xenical, a drug that absorbs the fat from each meal. I take it simply for its deterrent factor. You're supposed to eat low fat. But if you eat too much fat you get something like Montezuma's revenge. In spades. All I'll say is that it wasn't pretty.

It's amazing how cavalier you can be toward your health when you're younger. Bad habits take a long time to manifest as serious health problems. But we're there. Now.

This is the point where I usually drop off the radar. This was almost the shortest lived blog on the internet. Too ashamed to admit that I 'cheated' or failed, it would have been easier to just disappear and slip into a chocolate and carb induced fugue.

But I can't.

The problem -and maybe it's not a problem- is that I'm always banging on about telling the truth and taking the consequences, no matter how painful. One thing I can't abide is dishonesty and deceit.

So yesterday morning, when I went for my physical therapy- for a knee that eventually needs to be replaced-I was honest when she asked if I had been doing the exercises. Nope. Started well- did them for the first 10 days and that too fell by the wayside. The PT took it in stride and reviewed them with me and we'll give it one more try.

The other thing is that I don't want to let myself down. Or my family and friends. I owe this to myself.

This morning, I did my knee exercises and ate my oatmeal, skipping the Cookie Crisp(I love kids' cereal).

I've picked myself up, brushed myself off and I'm moving on.

If you say, 'I want but I can't have'- you will suffer
If you say, 'I can have but don't want to'- you won't suffer.

Jason Vale