I have been struggling with this post since Monday.
Initially when I started this blog it was in an attempt to get control of my life and more specifically, my weight. As of late, I've blogged about everything else but what I've set out to do. I thought blogging would be kind of an aversion therapy by putting my demons out there in the public domain. Instead, I've realized how serious my avoidance issues are. In my life, I can be accused, tried and convicted of ignoring problems in the hopes that they will just magically disappear. My warped reasoning is that if I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. Which is what is happening now.
Halfway through to my next weigh in, and I have to admit to struggling. I did the juicing for the prescribed 7 days and on the 7th day, I rested and ate an order of garlic and cheese fries. After only juice all week, it probably wasn't the best food to re-introduce to my digestive tract. Even the book says to ease back into eating. But not me. No, for some strange reason, I think that those rules don't apply to me. The cast iron stomach that I had in my 20's has eroded into a rust bucket.
As to the struggle, I can't explain it. I want to lose weight. I want to take control. Funny, when I was juicing, I felt great. The difference for me was very noticeable. Now, I still juice, irregularly but I do it. Sometimes, I'm not feeling so well, so I juice as a quick pick me upper. It always works.
So, what's the problem? That's just it- I don't know. If juicing makes me feel great, why am I overloading on carbs? I truly don't know the answer to that one. Am I lazy? Am I trying to bury feelings and stress? Or maybe, I don't want to- maybe-just maybe, I want to eat those carbs. Or is it a combination of all of the above plus more? The thought that maybe deep down I really don't want to give up food is overwhelming and maybe more than I can bear. It just can't be. I don't want to be fat! It's not that I want to be thin/slim, I want to be at an optimum level of health for me. And boy do I know that I'm not there now.
My online writer friend, Keris, has a blog, 500 to 40 and by doing so has gently reminded me of the purpose of my own blog. I'm addicted to her blogs- check them out: http://dellasays.wordpress.com/ and http://500to40.wordpress.com/
I constantly refer to this as a struggle. And I'm a big believer in 'thoughts become things.' So perhaps, I'm setting myself up for failure with my thoughts. Or maybe, I just think too much.
I'm off the beaten track but don't worry, I'm clawing my way back.
It isn't until you begin to fight in your own cause that you become committed to winning.
Robin Morgan
M, we are all in the same boat...When we reach a certain age we can't eat what we used to...In reading your message I have found that in a lot of ways you are definately being too hard on yourself. Your concerns over so many things have led you not to believe in yourself and your own solid, common sense judgement. You must treat yourself the way you would a dear friend or a loved one. You can't keep going to the places that are 'sore' spots and not have the old demons beat you up!
ReplyDeleteAlso, you (as well as I) have to stop thinking in terms of what we can't do in order to see what we can do...daily (or as any friend would Rx) you must try to compliment yourself on things you did right. The weight battle is only one of many, but that doesn't mean you are weak...I mean it,...You have to listen to the positive thoughts that your loved ones are sending you. At first it will be hard b/c those nasty, self-defeating thoughts will yell louder but that doesn't mean you can't hear the angel whisper to you that you are just as you should be for now and you will tackle your problems w/ wt and other things as they arise.
Give yourself a pat on the back for something you do right each day...it can be simple or it can be something that you struggled w/ but overcame! You are an intelligent, beautiful, spiritual being so don't let your humaness attack you at every opportunity. B/c others may have done that to you, does NOT make them or your not so positive thoughts right.
Once again, listen to what your inner child is telling you to do...as you are a great 'mama' to your two boys, you can be one to yourself...It doesn't mean that you have to eat to make your 'demons' happy ~ it means you are and will happier w/out your demons.
Rest easy dear friend...in time you will see the progress you have made...In the meantime try to recall all the times you were successful at doing things you thought were difficult....give yourself pats on the back daily (b/c there are times when no one else will)....If you fall, you can be sure there are many who care and love you and will help you no matter what happens. You are never alone...you have tons of good friends and I am certain, family members are there to give you the boosts you need when times get rough.
Hang in there honey...keep writing but keep listening to the good that is being whispered into your ear ... one of these days you will see that if you listen to those good 'voices', those that give you trouble will quiet down!
God Bless...with love and positive thoughts and prayers covering all that concerns you, J
Judy,
ReplyDeletethanks so much for 'lifting me up' today- you have no idea how much the love and support help. I like the idea of treating and talking to myself as I were talking to a friend :)
Morning Michele...as I read your latest blog, I thought to myself ~ that's exactly where I'm at!! It is very difficult to not be so hard on oneself when setting out to lose weight! I've struggled with weight my ENTIRE life, I must have been super thin in another lifetime to have such a demon in this one! But, J is right...you always need to remember to treat yourself kindly and pat ourself on the back for something as small as not eating 2 candy bars & only having 1 or something as big as...I've lost 3 pounds this month!! We are entirely too hard on ourselves...that which we can forgive in a friend or family member is not so easily forgiveable in ourselves! I'm guilty of it too...but have learned that if we are easy on ourself, we respond better to a stumble.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of you changing your mind-set on the idea of "struggle"...perhaps you can look at them not so much as struggles but as a life lessons! We need to NOT be so critical of ourselves!! Remember this...Don't let anyone rob you of your joys!! I'm gonna do the best I can with what I have & know...you do the same, deal??? Love you dear friend! Blessings always, Paula
Thanks, Paula
ReplyDeleteI bet men are never as hard on themselves as women!
I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for the day.
ReplyDelete- Abraham Lincoln
Bec, I love that quote from Abe Lincoln, our greatest president. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI think I mentioned that I too had fallen off the wagon? Darned wagons - skinny men invented them for sure...
ReplyDeleteKeep the faith Michele. x
Hello back, Rubin......
ReplyDelete'Thoughts become things', I really believe this too. Keep going with it Michele, you'll get there, I just know it!
ReplyDelete