It's that time of the month again.
Despite everything, I got on the scale and faced up to the fact that since the last weigh in, things haven't been good and I have no one to blame but myself.
Here are the stats and it isn't pretty:
313 lbs
22.5 stone
142.8 kg
I'm right back where I started: square one. In 2 months, I've come full circle. I've gained back the weight that I lost. It was the shortest yo yo diet I've ever been on.
I don't feel sorry for myself and I'm not beating myself up over it. It is what it is. I will dust myself off and get back up.
Besides, I'm afflicted with a terrible condition: it's a thing called hope and I've got it in spades. Deep down inside, somewhere, I believe, no- I know, that I'm going to pull myself together, close my mouth and fulfill my potential and be my ideal weight.
I've gained weight. I'm no further ahead as far as getting out of my dysfunctional marriage than I was 5 months ago. I agonise over how the divorce will affect the boys. I'm struggling with 2 very different drafts of the same novel that I've been trying to write for the last year.
And yet, I feel happy today. Perhaps it was the sunshine. It could have been the realization that I'm analyzing details too much instead of focusing on outcomes. Or maybe- just maybe- it was the fact that I didn't beat myself up. Maybe today, I'd love myself, faults and all.
Tomorrow, I may be on that slide into despair. But I have today. And I'm full of hope.
Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Blind In One Eye And Can't See Out The Other
I have been struggling with this post since Monday.
Initially when I started this blog it was in an attempt to get control of my life and more specifically, my weight. As of late, I've blogged about everything else but what I've set out to do. I thought blogging would be kind of an aversion therapy by putting my demons out there in the public domain. Instead, I've realized how serious my avoidance issues are. In my life, I can be accused, tried and convicted of ignoring problems in the hopes that they will just magically disappear. My warped reasoning is that if I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. Which is what is happening now.
Halfway through to my next weigh in, and I have to admit to struggling. I did the juicing for the prescribed 7 days and on the 7th day, I rested and ate an order of garlic and cheese fries. After only juice all week, it probably wasn't the best food to re-introduce to my digestive tract. Even the book says to ease back into eating. But not me. No, for some strange reason, I think that those rules don't apply to me. The cast iron stomach that I had in my 20's has eroded into a rust bucket.
As to the struggle, I can't explain it. I want to lose weight. I want to take control. Funny, when I was juicing, I felt great. The difference for me was very noticeable. Now, I still juice, irregularly but I do it. Sometimes, I'm not feeling so well, so I juice as a quick pick me upper. It always works.
So, what's the problem? That's just it- I don't know. If juicing makes me feel great, why am I overloading on carbs? I truly don't know the answer to that one. Am I lazy? Am I trying to bury feelings and stress? Or maybe, I don't want to- maybe-just maybe, I want to eat those carbs. Or is it a combination of all of the above plus more? The thought that maybe deep down I really don't want to give up food is overwhelming and maybe more than I can bear. It just can't be. I don't want to be fat! It's not that I want to be thin/slim, I want to be at an optimum level of health for me. And boy do I know that I'm not there now.
My online writer friend, Keris, has a blog, 500 to 40 and by doing so has gently reminded me of the purpose of my own blog. I'm addicted to her blogs- check them out: http://dellasays.wordpress.com/ and http://500to40.wordpress.com/
I constantly refer to this as a struggle. And I'm a big believer in 'thoughts become things.' So perhaps, I'm setting myself up for failure with my thoughts. Or maybe, I just think too much.
I'm off the beaten track but don't worry, I'm clawing my way back.
It isn't until you begin to fight in your own cause that you become committed to winning.
Robin Morgan
Initially when I started this blog it was in an attempt to get control of my life and more specifically, my weight. As of late, I've blogged about everything else but what I've set out to do. I thought blogging would be kind of an aversion therapy by putting my demons out there in the public domain. Instead, I've realized how serious my avoidance issues are. In my life, I can be accused, tried and convicted of ignoring problems in the hopes that they will just magically disappear. My warped reasoning is that if I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. Which is what is happening now.
Halfway through to my next weigh in, and I have to admit to struggling. I did the juicing for the prescribed 7 days and on the 7th day, I rested and ate an order of garlic and cheese fries. After only juice all week, it probably wasn't the best food to re-introduce to my digestive tract. Even the book says to ease back into eating. But not me. No, for some strange reason, I think that those rules don't apply to me. The cast iron stomach that I had in my 20's has eroded into a rust bucket.
As to the struggle, I can't explain it. I want to lose weight. I want to take control. Funny, when I was juicing, I felt great. The difference for me was very noticeable. Now, I still juice, irregularly but I do it. Sometimes, I'm not feeling so well, so I juice as a quick pick me upper. It always works.
So, what's the problem? That's just it- I don't know. If juicing makes me feel great, why am I overloading on carbs? I truly don't know the answer to that one. Am I lazy? Am I trying to bury feelings and stress? Or maybe, I don't want to- maybe-just maybe, I want to eat those carbs. Or is it a combination of all of the above plus more? The thought that maybe deep down I really don't want to give up food is overwhelming and maybe more than I can bear. It just can't be. I don't want to be fat! It's not that I want to be thin/slim, I want to be at an optimum level of health for me. And boy do I know that I'm not there now.
My online writer friend, Keris, has a blog, 500 to 40 and by doing so has gently reminded me of the purpose of my own blog. I'm addicted to her blogs- check them out: http://dellasays.wordpress.com/ and http://500to40.wordpress.com/
I constantly refer to this as a struggle. And I'm a big believer in 'thoughts become things.' So perhaps, I'm setting myself up for failure with my thoughts. Or maybe, I just think too much.
I'm off the beaten track but don't worry, I'm clawing my way back.
It isn't until you begin to fight in your own cause that you become committed to winning.
Robin Morgan
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