Monday, April 19, 2010
A First Time for Everything
My mother always says that it's real easy to get into a rut but much harder to get out of it. I would add to that by saying you can be in a rut and not even know it.
This week, I realized not only that I'm in a severe rut but a pretty deep one as well. If it were any deeper, it'd be a grave.
Let me explain that this was a week of 'firsts' for me and it was only through these 'firsts' that I realized the extent of my rut.
On Thursday, I took the first train ride of my life. When I was told that I had to be in Dublin on Thursday, my immediate reaction was one of sheer terror. Dublin? OMG! How on earth would I ever get there? Even though it's only a 2 hour ride by train- it seemed like it was on the other side of the world to me. Once the terror subsided with a lot of help from my good friend, Chocolate, I must admit that my second feeling was one of foolishness. So, determined to get over myself, I booked my train ticket online and began to get used to the idea and then I was told I would have to get the Luas from the train to my destination. OMG! Luas? What on earth was that? I'd rather pay a gazillion dollars and take a cab. But no. It's only a tram. Once I realized that there was no way out of this trip to Dublin, I was determined not only to do it, but to not be afraid. Feel the fear and all that. I went online- how on earth did we survive before Google? and planned my route and where I had to be.
The train ride was uneventful and fun. The only embarrassing moment I had was when the man across from me got up and walked away and I stretched my legs out and promptly fell asleep. Sound asleep. It took 2 other passengers to wake me so the man could get back into his seat. Oops. I enjoyed it so much that I thought how I'd love to take the boys on the train to Dublin to the zoo maybe. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Then on Friday, 2 of my online writer friends, Clodagh Murphy and Trina Rea had decided to meet up with me in Limerick. No train this time, just a bus. Now the last time I was on a bus was around 1971 when my grandmother took me downtown to get new school clothes. Bus was fine- fell asleep on that too.
The only problem I had was getting from the bus depot to O'Connell St. With my sense of direction, I ended up taking the overland route and finally ended up at my destination much later than I planned. And I was breathless. And my hair was a mess.
Again when meeting up with these gals, whom I've known for 2 years through the online writer group that we all belong to, although I've never met them face to face. Another first. Despite the fact, that I really, really wanted to meet them, there was also an underlying sense of panic and terror. Again.
I've come to the conclusion that since moving to Ireland, I've slowly been cut off from civilization. Back in the US of A, I had a lot of family and friends that I saw on regular basis. But here it was a totally different story. I relied solely on my husband for conversation and companionship. Not his mistake, mine. And now, I don't even have that.
In my husband's house, I have managed to carve out a tiny bit of space for myself: the couch and my bedroom. My level of comfort is such that I am usually in my jammies by 6pm.
Not only have I fallen into obscurity, but I'm in danger of becoming a recluse as well. My grandmother had a sister who was a recluse for the last 5 years of her life. She wouldn't leave the house under any circumstance and had a taxi cab pick up and deliver her cases of Genessee beer each week. Sometimes, I wonder if that's what will happen to me. Except instead of delivering beer, they'd deliver family size bars of chocolate.
Ironically, I've flown about 30 times over the last 30+ years and aside from the length of the transatlantic flight, it doesn't bother me. And the one thing that I can't do on a plane is sleep. Go figure.
Needless to say, I came out at the end of the week all right. Well, more than all right. It was the little boost of confidence that I really needed. It's time to stop being afraid and start living again.
I'm eager for my boys to do things and not be afraid of life. It's important that they be exposed as much as possible to things so that they realizethat there is a much greater world outside of the four walls of a house.
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I have to congratulate you dear girl....on all your accomplishments of late!! I know what it is like to be trapped in the "comfort" of 4 walls & to think all is safe & sound & fine. Then to realize, life is passing me by and I need to get on the train & see!! Your train trip was more than just a train trip...it was & is your journey back into life!! May you be blessed with more fearless & joy-filled days!!! P.S. I've decided to get back on my "weight walk" again in getting back on track to healthier & happier living with visualization of a "thinner" me - thanks to your thoughts & inspirations!! Luv ya kiddo - so glad you enjoyed your excursions!!
ReplyDeleteWoo hoo, Michele! It took a separation and impending divorce for me to finally break the chains that I'd let bind me in my own marriage - fright does even go halfway - esp. with children in tow - but the liberation and adrenalin once you realise you've started to make those (what feel like monumental) in-roads is euphoric! Well done - am proud of you - the only way is UP!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, ladies. I'd love to get you both some pom poms because your my favorite cheerleaders. It meants alot.
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