Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Note to My High School Self
When I look back at my high school years, which I do often in order to find answers, I wonder if I could have done anything differently. Turns out, I probably could have. I've come to the conclusion that the problem was me and not those around me. I had a terminal case of the disease to please and the need for approval from certain people. If I hadn't been so afflicted maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I would have turned out differently.
I can't change the past, but what I can do is write a little letter to my high school self and give that girl some badly needed advice.
Dear High School Michele (1980-1984)
1) High school will not be the best time of your life as so many people insist that it will be. But that doesn't mean that it's the end. For you, the best time of your life will be college, and mainly the years 1985- 1989.
2) Stop obsessing about being fat and unattractive. Thicken your skin and ignore what other people say. Don't let it become your mantra. Thoughts are things. And as you thinketh, you becometh.
3) Get over you know who. Now. You've had a crush on him since kindergarten and you kissed him in the first grade. He doesn't even know that you are alive except for that one time when he nailed you in the face with a snowball in the seventh grade. Besides, later in life, this all American hero ends up going to prison.
4)FYI: it's not normal for a 17 year old girl to come home from school, put her robe on and go to bed, unless of course she's doing drugs. You, however, are not doing drugs. You're depressed and it's time to tell someone.
5)Sneaking a dozen doughnuts into the house and hiding them in your bedroom closet is a real bad idea. If hoarding were an Olympic sport, you could medal in it.
6)Stop being such a prude and a goody- goody! Break some rules once in awhile. Force yourself on your sisters even if they don't want you around. They sure look like they're having fun.
7)Grow your hair long. Do not listen to those people from the short hair brigade who are all over the age of 40. They don't know what's best for you. But if you do grow it long, invest in a good set of hot rollers- trust me- by the time you turn 22, you'll have fabulous hair.
8) When you weigh in at 134 lbs on the school scale and the school nurse tells you that you are overweight, say thank you and proceed to punch her right in the face. Ditto the doctor and everyone else who feels it's their 'God-given right' to comment on it.
9) You were onto something when you bought that little stationary Huffy bike from Twin Fair and pedalled your brains out for 9 months and the weight came off without dieting. It's a shame that the chain fell off and it couldn't be fixed.
10) Becoming thin will not change how you feel about yourself- you'll find that hard lesson out later in 1992. You'll still have the same outlook, the same opinions and the same low self esteem. You need to fix your head first before you can fix your body. * Also thin does not imply wealth. How you ever came up with that scenario is beyond your older self.
11) Tell someone about the bullying. Anyone. Just to vent it. Even if it's Boots. He's a good dog, he'll listen.
12) You will always be a late bloomer. With everything in your life. And that's ok, because when you're 44, you'll know that there's still alot of good coming your way.
13) Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Forgive yourself.
Love,
Michele 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Week 3- Unislim-
I made myself accountable and went to my Unislim meeting last night, despite the fact that I had a crappy week. It turned out to be a no gain, no loss week. I'm the same as last week. Still 16 pounds gone and a renewed sense of commitment. On Wednesday, I dusted myself off, stood up and got back on track. 2 days later, I'm still on track.
Last week, I took 2 leisurely walks but if I walked any slower, I would have been going backwards. This week, I decided to incorporate some 'exercise' into my routine. Now I use that word loosely in a way in which a 300 pound woman can. I managed (euphemism) to go for a brisk 15 minute walk 3 times this week. By the end of it, I was practically gasping but I was still upright, so it was a victory of sorts- even if I did need a respiratory treatment.
For the next week, I will be concentrating on eating healthy, walking (some more) and most of all, being kind to myself and others.
Stay tuned.
Last week, I took 2 leisurely walks but if I walked any slower, I would have been going backwards. This week, I decided to incorporate some 'exercise' into my routine. Now I use that word loosely in a way in which a 300 pound woman can. I managed (euphemism) to go for a brisk 15 minute walk 3 times this week. By the end of it, I was practically gasping but I was still upright, so it was a victory of sorts- even if I did need a respiratory treatment.
For the next week, I will be concentrating on eating healthy, walking (some more) and most of all, being kind to myself and others.
Stay tuned.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Toolbox Tuesday- The 7 Minute Rule
I managed to get through 19 days without chocolate. I won't lie, I miss it. Alot. Chocolate is my drug of choice. But like all bad relationships, it must come to an end. But there are times when the urge is much greater than my willpower. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak and all that. And today was one of those days.
When I'm stressed, my desire for chocolate escalates- as it is my way to anesthetize myself. And right now my stress level is in the stratosphere. I finally found a place for me and the boys to live. The relief, although welcome and overwhelming, is tempered by the fact that I had to tell him. Mr Not-So-Wonderful. And as I predicted he did not handle it well and things have escalated here in the house. And that's all I'll say about that. Saturday night, I had chips from the chipper. And today, was a carb fest.
This is where the 7 minute rule comes in. In talking to my counselor about my strong desire for chocolate, she suggested that I wait 7 minutes before eating it and see if the craving passed and if, after 7 minutes I still craved the chocolate, to have it. And then gradually build up the minutes, so you're waiting longer to give into the craving. I have been trying that, and so far it has worked. Until today. The past few nightmarish days coupled with the fact that today is our 8th (and probably last) wedding anniversary have come to bear. It has been a horrendous day and about 2pm, I caved and ate all the chocolate as well as alot of carbs. I felt sick and sluggish. For the first time in 2 weeks, I had to take a nap after dinner.
This is a pivotal moment for me because this is the point where I usually fall off the bandwagon and not show up at the Unislim meeting on Thursday. But I can't because too much is at stake and to be honest, I don't want to give up. And I have to look at it like this: it was bad, it's over and it is what it is. It's time to move on.
Stay tuned.
When I'm stressed, my desire for chocolate escalates- as it is my way to anesthetize myself. And right now my stress level is in the stratosphere. I finally found a place for me and the boys to live. The relief, although welcome and overwhelming, is tempered by the fact that I had to tell him. Mr Not-So-Wonderful. And as I predicted he did not handle it well and things have escalated here in the house. And that's all I'll say about that. Saturday night, I had chips from the chipper. And today, was a carb fest.
This is where the 7 minute rule comes in. In talking to my counselor about my strong desire for chocolate, she suggested that I wait 7 minutes before eating it and see if the craving passed and if, after 7 minutes I still craved the chocolate, to have it. And then gradually build up the minutes, so you're waiting longer to give into the craving. I have been trying that, and so far it has worked. Until today. The past few nightmarish days coupled with the fact that today is our 8th (and probably last) wedding anniversary have come to bear. It has been a horrendous day and about 2pm, I caved and ate all the chocolate as well as alot of carbs. I felt sick and sluggish. For the first time in 2 weeks, I had to take a nap after dinner.
This is a pivotal moment for me because this is the point where I usually fall off the bandwagon and not show up at the Unislim meeting on Thursday. But I can't because too much is at stake and to be honest, I don't want to give up. And I have to look at it like this: it was bad, it's over and it is what it is. It's time to move on.
Stay tuned.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Week 2- Unislim
Week 2 is done and dusted. And I'm happy to report that the week went by fast, which really helps between weigh-ins, especially if you're doing well.
This week, I went for 2 walks- no small feat considering the shape my knees are in. Michael had asked me if I would take him for a walk- so I did- a short leisurely walk lasting about 20 minutes, 2 days in row. By the time we got back, my knees were quite sore and achy, but I lived to tell about it. At one point during the walk, I sat down on a low stone bridge overlooking a little creek and Michael told me to be careful and not lean back in case I fell in. I asked him what he would do if I fell in. He said he'd run and get Daddy. And then he said, "It's a good thing you're real fat, then you wouldn't float away." Out of the mouths of babes. LOL.
Anyways, here are my week 2 results:
Start weight: 23.4 stone
Current weight: 22.2 (312 lbs., 140.9 kg)
4 lbs lost this last week: 16 pounds total.
Woo Hoo!
This week, I went for 2 walks- no small feat considering the shape my knees are in. Michael had asked me if I would take him for a walk- so I did- a short leisurely walk lasting about 20 minutes, 2 days in row. By the time we got back, my knees were quite sore and achy, but I lived to tell about it. At one point during the walk, I sat down on a low stone bridge overlooking a little creek and Michael told me to be careful and not lean back in case I fell in. I asked him what he would do if I fell in. He said he'd run and get Daddy. And then he said, "It's a good thing you're real fat, then you wouldn't float away." Out of the mouths of babes. LOL.
Anyways, here are my week 2 results:
Start weight: 23.4 stone
Current weight: 22.2 (312 lbs., 140.9 kg)
4 lbs lost this last week: 16 pounds total.
Woo Hoo!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Toolbox Tuesday- Rewards
I'm a big believer in the merit system, especially the reward end of it. Rewards, to me, are a big incentive to complete or accomplish something. I think it's very important to reward yourself as you're losing weight to reinforce that what you've done is important and for it to be one more tool in the arsenal to provide encouragement to continue.
Comfort aside, I also use food as a reward. If I get my housework done by 11 in the morning, I treat myself to a scone and a cup of tea. If I make it through an incredibly rough day (insert any reason here), my reward can be anything from take out to chocolate.
But now, I've decided to incorporate rewards in my weight loss plan. Non food of course.
Let's face it, I've got to lose roughly about 150 pounds. That number is not real to me- it's too big. So, I don't think about that at all. I've decided to take it in 25 pound increments. For every 25 pounds I lose, I'm going to reward myself with something that I want or want to do- but it will be something just for me. And to keep it interesting, the rewards will get bigger and better with more weight lost.
For instance, when I lose my first 25 pounds, I'm going to reward myself with a pedicure. Now, I have really ugly feet- there is no hope for them, and despite the fact that I hate bringing them out in public, I would really love to have a pedicure. I haven't had a pedicure since November 2004 when I was about to go into the hospital to have Michael, so it would be a real treat.
And maybe at the 50 pound mark, I'll get my hair highlighted with 2 colors. Only a 5o pound weight loss would be able to justify the expense for me.
I've been off chocolate for 12 days now- which amazes me. If I make it to 30 days, I'll buy myself a little treat- like a DVD or something or maybe take a ride to Inch Beach by myself.
I'm open to any suggestions as to what other people do for rewards.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Week 1-Unislim
Well, I managed through week 1 of Unislim without too much difficulty- a few minor problems that I was determined to overcome:
-no chocolate for 8 days now! This is the longest I've gone in a long time. I'm determined to beat my addiction to chocolate. This is my biggest problem area as I have worked my way up to eating 3! family size Galaxy bars a day. Zoinks! 2000 of my daily calories came from chocolate alone, not even funny.
-Thursday, for whatever reason, was a day of discontent for me. I can't explain why or pinpoint any one thing, it was just one of those days, but I was determined to stick with it and not use it as an excuse to slide. Besides, Thursday is weigh in day and I didn't want to mess that up. So, I decided to take a little break from my life: no computer, no writing and no housework ( no fear there) and I took an easy day and just read all day- just what I needed. Felt great this morning, up at 7am (remember, I'm not a morning person) and ready to handle what the day has to offer.
-I wasn't perfect a couple of times but I followed the advice in the Unislim book which said 'forgive yourself immediately.' Instead of beating myself up, I'm going to be kind to myself. In the past, as soon as I 'cheated', I'd give up if I couldn't be 100% perfect. I can't let perfection be the standard by which I judge myself. And there is no such thing as cheating! It's a poor choice, that's all. I'll make the next choice a good one. And what were my poor choices? I had an extra helping of hummus on oat crackers ( I love hummus)and a handful of Pringles one night.
There were two things I learned this week that were important to me:
-at the weekly Unislim meeting, Bernie, our leader, reminded us that 'we're not on a diet,' we're on a permanent healthy eating plan. That works for me.
-second, came this little gem from the book: 'those that are most successful with their weight loss in the long term are those who recover sooner rather than later.' (in response to having a bad day)
Anyways: here are my results for the first week:
Start weight: 23.4 stone*
Week 1: 22.6 stone ( 316 pounds, 142.8kg)
Yeah 12! pounds gone! I know it's mostly water but I can see my ankles again!
*1 stone = 14 pounds
Now for the hard part: sticking with it and being accountable and showing up every week. Of all the times, I've joined Weight Watchers or Unislim, I've never filled out my entire card as I always stopped going after the 2nd or 3rd week. I have a short term goal of attending 6 meetings( lasting 6 weeks). My long term goal is to fill up my card- which means a 16 week commitment.
-no chocolate for 8 days now! This is the longest I've gone in a long time. I'm determined to beat my addiction to chocolate. This is my biggest problem area as I have worked my way up to eating 3! family size Galaxy bars a day. Zoinks! 2000 of my daily calories came from chocolate alone, not even funny.
-Thursday, for whatever reason, was a day of discontent for me. I can't explain why or pinpoint any one thing, it was just one of those days, but I was determined to stick with it and not use it as an excuse to slide. Besides, Thursday is weigh in day and I didn't want to mess that up. So, I decided to take a little break from my life: no computer, no writing and no housework ( no fear there) and I took an easy day and just read all day- just what I needed. Felt great this morning, up at 7am (remember, I'm not a morning person) and ready to handle what the day has to offer.
-I wasn't perfect a couple of times but I followed the advice in the Unislim book which said 'forgive yourself immediately.' Instead of beating myself up, I'm going to be kind to myself. In the past, as soon as I 'cheated', I'd give up if I couldn't be 100% perfect. I can't let perfection be the standard by which I judge myself. And there is no such thing as cheating! It's a poor choice, that's all. I'll make the next choice a good one. And what were my poor choices? I had an extra helping of hummus on oat crackers ( I love hummus)and a handful of Pringles one night.
There were two things I learned this week that were important to me:
-at the weekly Unislim meeting, Bernie, our leader, reminded us that 'we're not on a diet,' we're on a permanent healthy eating plan. That works for me.
-second, came this little gem from the book: 'those that are most successful with their weight loss in the long term are those who recover sooner rather than later.' (in response to having a bad day)
Anyways: here are my results for the first week:
Start weight: 23.4 stone*
Week 1: 22.6 stone ( 316 pounds, 142.8kg)
Yeah 12! pounds gone! I know it's mostly water but I can see my ankles again!
*1 stone = 14 pounds
Now for the hard part: sticking with it and being accountable and showing up every week. Of all the times, I've joined Weight Watchers or Unislim, I've never filled out my entire card as I always stopped going after the 2nd or 3rd week. I have a short term goal of attending 6 meetings( lasting 6 weeks). My long term goal is to fill up my card- which means a 16 week commitment.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Toolbox Tuesday
The tool today is one that is used in conjunction with all the other tools. In other words, without this tool, the other tools don't work. Namely, application. The verb form- 'apply', as stated in my trusty Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary is 'to bring into action.' I really like that. That definition is concise.
None of these tools are any good if we don't use them. And I'd have to be the first to raise my hand and say I'm guilty of that. One look at my bookshelves with all the various self-help and diet books and then a quick glance at my body will tell you that I'm reading alot but I'm not applying what I know. And that's the problem. I know too much and use too little.
Time to change all that.
It takes 21 days to develop a habit, good or bad. If you do something, every day for 21 days, voila! you've just gotten yourself a brand new habit. So when using a new tool- whether it's visualizing, being grateful or whatever you need at this moment in your life, try to do it for 21 days and see what happens. And before you know it, you're doing it on the 22nd day and the 23rd day, etc. Having said that, I think it's best to do one thing at a time. No sense in overloading the senses.
Right now, I'm working on breaking my very bad habit to eating chocolate everyday. I'm on day 5 with no chocolate. It hasn't been as bad as I thought but I know there will come a time when I'm going to crave it or just want it. And I better be prepared for when that happens. But that's what I'm working on right now.
It's time to put my money where my mouth is and make the effort.
On Thursday, I will go for my first weigh in at Unislim and those results will be the post on Friday.
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