Chick Lite: 2010

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Patti's Story

I love testimonials- especially where weight loss is concerned. The first thing I check out when it comes to a new diet or even gastric bypass surgery is the testimonials. I love before and after pics and I admire success. There's something hopeful about a testimonial- something that tells me that some day that could be me.
My friend, Patti, who has been on a lifestyle change since last year, has agreed to answer some questions and share her story and some before and after pictures.

How much weight have you lost so far and how long did it take to do it? How much more do you have to go?
So far, I have lost 93 lbs since May 4, 2009. My goal is to at least lose 7 more and get to 100 lbs. If I were to go by the BMI chart , I would have to lose about 30lbs more but my trainer says that those charts are unrealistic. One thing that makes the "number on the scale" idea unrealistic is that the Biggest Loser/Boot camp style workouts not only burn calories and fat but build muscle which adds weight. My trainer says the best way to monitor your progress is to do the body fat composition measurements. You may actually gain weight but lose body fat which is actually better. (But I still struggle with that cause I've always just looked at the scale)
What was it this time that 'clicked' for you and made it happen this time?
This Body Transformation program was brought to my office as a 12 week program with workouts twice a week and nutritional support. A friend from work asked me if I was going to join. I knew how overweight I was and had never been that weight before but just couldn't get myself to do anything about it. I really can't figure out what was different about this situation in the beginning other than the group idea of women mostly in my situation too (very overweight and badly out of shape). I always do well in the beginning with the challenge of a new program and learning how to eat differently. If I knew what the workouts were going to be like, I probably wouldn't have joined. I would have been too intimidated and never done it. But with the group of us starting together, and complaining together about all the aches and pain from the first workout really helped us bond and stick with it. There was probably a 50% drop out by end of 12 weeks but my little support group stuck it out and went to the gym together extra thus working out 5-6 times a week.

Have you tried other diets in the past?
I have done many other diets: Weight Watchers (too many times to count) Nutri System, Dexitrim, Metabolife, starvation and moderate cutting back of food. Would lose some weight but never able to keep any of it off for even 1 month.
What kind of plan and exercise regime do you follow?
Right now I'm following an eating plan similar to South Beach but the percentages are a little different. Basically I'm eating about 1500 cal. per day, split into 5meals per day which means each meal should be about 300 cal. With each meal, 40% should be carbs, 40% protein and 20% fat. So looking at grams, each meal has about 32grams of carbs, 32grams protein and about 8 gms of fat. My trainer gave us a chart/formula to individually figure it out. There is a great website called myfitnesspal.com which really helps you figure the individual meals out and puts it in a chart which really helps. This eating plan took me a couple weeks to really get a handle on but it has been great. The meals don't sound big and they shouldn't be, but eating more protein and cutting back on carbs makes the world of difference. I eat at 7am, 10:30am, 2pm, 6pm and 830pm. So I get to snack while watching tv at night and don't feel like too much is missing.
If you fall off the wagon, how do you get back on?
I have 1 very close friend still doing the program with me. We work out together and this is a really big key for me. I just know I wouldn't have kept up with this if I didn't have a friend doing it too. We feel accountable to each other. Its much harder to skip out on going to the gym if you know someone is meeting you there. But believe me, we both have had some bad weeks , usually in between the 12 week workout sessions where a bad weekend rolls into a bad 2 weeks of eating. Its her support that gets me back on track and vice versa. She tells me, "you have to stop eating that", "stop going for ice cream" etc. Those carbs are so addictive that it is really hard to stop once you let yourself have "too many". That combined with this amazing feeling of seeing how far Ive come that really helps reel me back in and stop it.
What advice would you give other people trying to lose weight or just trying to get motivated?
The workouts are a really big key to the puzzle. You can drop weight initially, but you really need good hard exercise to take it to the next level. I have lost so many inches because of the workouts that I would never have lost with just diet. Its expensive to do 1 on 1 training at a gym, but if you can find some workout groups that focus on even just body resistance that is a good place to start. Don't look at the end point of where you want to be, you have to start small and think.. I'm gonna survive this workout, I'm gonna do this for a week, etc. When you accomplished that, then the next week isn't so bad. And trust me, I've left a workout early and have had bad weeks because my mind wasn't in it. But I just keep going back and I understand now that some days are going to be easier than others. Our monthly cycles certainly don't take it easy on us either, but just accepting that some days are just going to be hard seems to make it easier for me to go back

In what ways has the weight loss changed your life? Any unexpected ways?
Getting my self confidence back has been quite empowering. That has been the best gift I could have gotten. The gym I belong to has a Facebook site.. Fitness360 . The 360 logo has red circle arrow around it. (there are a lot of fitness 360 gyms across the country but this isn't a chain) . There are a lot of good before and after pictures . One guy has lost over 200lbs in the last year.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Permanence

In the previous post, I mentioned my abnormal fear of the idea of 'permanence.' This came up at Lynn's Weigh, a blog that I follow, when a question was posed to successful 'losers' who had lost their weight and kept it off. The question was: 'What was it this time that did the trick? What clicked that hadn't clicked before? And there was one answer that really affected me. The person accepted the fact that they had to make permanent lifestyle changes.

Sigh.

It's the word permanent that scares the be-jesus out of me. The idea of giving up chocolate and the rest of my highly processed food permanently gives me the heebie-jeebies. Honestly, I don't know if I can do it. How will I cope? Will it trigger a slide back into that black hole of depression? What if I give it all up (the food, I mean) and nothing changes? What if my self confidence, my self image and my self esteem remain the same?

In her book, You Can Be Thin, Marissa Peer posits the theory that we do things out of habit that we link pleasure to and we avoid things that we link pain to. In its most simplistic terms, pain is a great motivator. Currently, I derive a lot of pleasure and comfort from eating the wrong kinds of food and I choose to ignore the pain that this causes. The pain being my inability to walk more than a few steps, the need for a double knee replacement at 44 and wearing the only designer label that fits me: 'morbidly obese.' I must have a high pain threshhold, for how long can I ignore these painful facts? And there are more of these if I should choose to list them.

In the same vein, it's the pain I focus on when I think about that I have to 'give' up my favorite foods, choosing to ignore the pleasure that's linked with permanent weight loss: better health, improved mobility, better looks, more self confidence and the list goes on.

Before I can really tackle my weight, I need to do some 'mental' prep work. I can look at the past 8 months as a failure but I can't; I prefer to see it as a journey which is how I arrived here in this spot today. It's the same as building a house without a proper foundation. I cannot deal with my body until I deal with my mind.

It's time to work on changing my attitude.

And the journey of enlightment and awakening continues.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Note to My High School Self

When I look back at my high school years, which I do often in order to find answers, I wonder if I could have done anything differently. Turns out, I probably could have. I've come to the conclusion that the problem was me and not those around me. I had a terminal case of the disease to please and the need for approval from certain people. If I hadn't been so afflicted maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I would have turned out differently.

I can't change the past, but what I can do is write a little letter to my high school self and give that girl some badly needed advice.

Dear High School Michele (1980-1984)

1) High school will not be the best time of your life as so many people insist that it will be. But that doesn't mean that it's the end. For you, the best time of your life will be college, and mainly the years 1985- 1989.

2) Stop obsessing about being fat and unattractive. Thicken your skin and ignore what other people say. Don't let it become your mantra. Thoughts are things. And as you thinketh, you becometh.

3) Get over you know who. Now. You've had a crush on him since kindergarten and you kissed him in the first grade. He doesn't even know that you are alive except for that one time when he nailed you in the face with a snowball in the seventh grade. Besides, later in life, this all American hero ends up going to prison.

4)FYI: it's not normal for a 17 year old girl to come home from school, put her robe on and go to bed, unless of course she's doing drugs. You, however, are not doing drugs. You're depressed and it's time to tell someone.

5)Sneaking a dozen doughnuts into the house and hiding them in your bedroom closet is a real bad idea. If hoarding were an Olympic sport, you could medal in it.

6)Stop being such a prude and a goody- goody! Break some rules once in awhile. Force yourself on your sisters even if they don't want you around. They sure look like they're having fun.

7)Grow your hair long. Do not listen to those people from the short hair brigade who are all over the age of 40. They don't know what's best for you. But if you do grow it long, invest in a good set of hot rollers- trust me- by the time you turn 22, you'll have fabulous hair.

8) When you weigh in at 134 lbs on the school scale and the school nurse tells you that you are overweight, say thank you and proceed to punch her right in the face. Ditto the doctor and everyone else who feels it's their 'God-given right' to comment on it.

9) You were onto something when you bought that little stationary Huffy bike from Twin Fair and pedalled your brains out for 9 months and the weight came off without dieting. It's a shame that the chain fell off and it couldn't be fixed.

10) Becoming thin will not change how you feel about yourself- you'll find that hard lesson out later in 1992. You'll still have the same outlook, the same opinions and the same low self esteem. You need to fix your head first before you can fix your body. * Also thin does not imply wealth. How you ever came up with that scenario is beyond your older self.

11) Tell someone about the bullying. Anyone. Just to vent it. Even if it's Boots. He's a good dog, he'll listen.

12) You will always be a late bloomer. With everything in your life. And that's ok, because when you're 44, you'll know that there's still alot of good coming your way.

13) Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Forgive yourself.

Love,

Michele 2010

Friday, May 14, 2010

Week 3- Unislim-

I made myself accountable and went to my Unislim meeting last night, despite the fact that I had a crappy week. It turned out to be a no gain, no loss week. I'm the same as last week. Still 16 pounds gone and a renewed sense of commitment. On Wednesday, I dusted myself off, stood up and got back on track. 2 days later, I'm still on track.

Last week, I took 2 leisurely walks but if I walked any slower, I would have been going backwards. This week, I decided to incorporate some 'exercise' into my routine. Now I use that word loosely in a way in which a 300 pound woman can. I managed (euphemism) to go for a brisk 15 minute walk 3 times this week. By the end of it, I was practically gasping but I was still upright, so it was a victory of sorts- even if I did need a respiratory treatment.

For the next week, I will be concentrating on eating healthy, walking (some more) and most of all, being kind to myself and others.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Toolbox Tuesday- The 7 Minute Rule

I managed to get through 19 days without chocolate. I won't lie, I miss it. Alot. Chocolate is my drug of choice. But like all bad relationships, it must come to an end. But there are times when the urge is much greater than my willpower. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak and all that. And today was one of those days.

When I'm stressed, my desire for chocolate escalates- as it is my way to anesthetize myself. And right now my stress level is in the stratosphere. I finally found a place for me and the boys to live. The relief, although welcome and overwhelming, is tempered by the fact that I had to tell him. Mr Not-So-Wonderful. And as I predicted he did not handle it well and things have escalated here in the house. And that's all I'll say about that. Saturday night, I had chips from the chipper. And today, was a carb fest.

This is where the 7 minute rule comes in. In talking to my counselor about my strong desire for chocolate, she suggested that I wait 7 minutes before eating it and see if the craving passed and if, after 7 minutes I still craved the chocolate, to have it. And then gradually build up the minutes, so you're waiting longer to give into the craving. I have been trying that, and so far it has worked. Until today. The past few nightmarish days coupled with the fact that today is our 8th (and probably last) wedding anniversary have come to bear. It has been a horrendous day and about 2pm, I caved and ate all the chocolate as well as alot of carbs. I felt sick and sluggish. For the first time in 2 weeks, I had to take a nap after dinner.

This is a pivotal moment for me because this is the point where I usually fall off the bandwagon and not show up at the Unislim meeting on Thursday. But I can't because too much is at stake and to be honest, I don't want to give up. And I have to look at it like this: it was bad, it's over and it is what it is. It's time to move on.

Stay tuned.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Week 2- Unislim

Week 2 is done and dusted. And I'm happy to report that the week went by fast, which really helps between weigh-ins, especially if you're doing well.
This week, I went for 2 walks- no small feat considering the shape my knees are in. Michael had asked me if I would take him for a walk- so I did- a short leisurely walk lasting about 20 minutes, 2 days in row. By the time we got back, my knees were quite sore and achy, but I lived to tell about it. At one point during the walk, I sat down on a low stone bridge overlooking a little creek and Michael told me to be careful and not lean back in case I fell in. I asked him what he would do if I fell in. He said he'd run and get Daddy. And then he said, "It's a good thing you're real fat, then you wouldn't float away." Out of the mouths of babes. LOL.

Anyways, here are my week 2 results:

Start weight: 23.4 stone

Current weight: 22.2 (312 lbs., 140.9 kg)

4 lbs lost this last week: 16 pounds total.

Woo Hoo!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Toolbox Tuesday- Rewards

I'm a big believer in the merit system, especially the reward end of it. Rewards, to me, are a big incentive to complete or accomplish something. I think it's very important to reward yourself as you're losing weight to reinforce that what you've done is important and for it to be one more tool in the arsenal to provide encouragement to continue.

Comfort aside, I also use food as a reward. If I get my housework done by 11 in the morning, I treat myself to a scone and a cup of tea. If I make it through an incredibly rough day (insert any reason here), my reward can be anything from take out to chocolate.

But now, I've decided to incorporate rewards in my weight loss plan. Non food of course.

Let's face it, I've got to lose roughly about 150 pounds. That number is not real to me- it's too big. So, I don't think about that at all. I've decided to take it in 25 pound increments. For every 25 pounds I lose, I'm going to reward myself with something that I want or want to do- but it will be something just for me. And to keep it interesting, the rewards will get bigger and better with more weight lost.

For instance, when I lose my first 25 pounds, I'm going to reward myself with a pedicure. Now, I have really ugly feet- there is no hope for them, and despite the fact that I hate bringing them out in public, I would really love to have a pedicure. I haven't had a pedicure since November 2004 when I was about to go into the hospital to have Michael, so it would be a real treat.

And maybe at the 50 pound mark, I'll get my hair highlighted with 2 colors. Only a 5o pound weight loss would be able to justify the expense for me.

I've been off chocolate for 12 days now- which amazes me. If I make it to 30 days, I'll buy myself a little treat- like a DVD or something or maybe take a ride to Inch Beach by myself.

I'm open to any suggestions as to what other people do for rewards.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Week 1-Unislim

Well, I managed through week 1 of Unislim without too much difficulty- a few minor problems that I was determined to overcome:

-no chocolate for 8 days now! This is the longest I've gone in a long time. I'm determined to beat my addiction to chocolate. This is my biggest problem area as I have worked my way up to eating 3! family size Galaxy bars a day. Zoinks! 2000 of my daily calories came from chocolate alone, not even funny.
-Thursday, for whatever reason, was a day of discontent for me. I can't explain why or pinpoint any one thing, it was just one of those days, but I was determined to stick with it and not use it as an excuse to slide. Besides, Thursday is weigh in day and I didn't want to mess that up. So, I decided to take a little break from my life: no computer, no writing and no housework ( no fear there) and I took an easy day and just read all day- just what I needed. Felt great this morning, up at 7am (remember, I'm not a morning person) and ready to handle what the day has to offer.
-I wasn't perfect a couple of times but I followed the advice in the Unislim book which said 'forgive yourself immediately.' Instead of beating myself up, I'm going to be kind to myself. In the past, as soon as I 'cheated', I'd give up if I couldn't be 100% perfect. I can't let perfection be the standard by which I judge myself. And there is no such thing as cheating! It's a poor choice, that's all. I'll make the next choice a good one. And what were my poor choices? I had an extra helping of hummus on oat crackers ( I love hummus)and a handful of Pringles one night.

There were two things I learned this week that were important to me:
-at the weekly Unislim meeting, Bernie, our leader, reminded us that 'we're not on a diet,' we're on a permanent healthy eating plan. That works for me.
-second, came this little gem from the book: 'those that are most successful with their weight loss in the long term are those who recover sooner rather than later.' (in response to having a bad day)

Anyways: here are my results for the first week:

Start weight: 23.4 stone*

Week 1: 22.6 stone ( 316 pounds, 142.8kg)

Yeah 12! pounds gone! I know it's mostly water but I can see my ankles again!

*1 stone = 14 pounds

Now for the hard part: sticking with it and being accountable and showing up every week. Of all the times, I've joined Weight Watchers or Unislim, I've never filled out my entire card as I always stopped going after the 2nd or 3rd week. I have a short term goal of attending 6 meetings( lasting 6 weeks). My long term goal is to fill up my card- which means a 16 week commitment.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Toolbox Tuesday

The tool today is one that is used in conjunction with all the other tools. In other words, without this tool, the other tools don't work. Namely, application. The verb form- 'apply', as stated in my trusty Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary is 'to bring into action.' I really like that. That definition is concise.

None of these tools are any good if we don't use them. And I'd have to be the first to raise my hand and say I'm guilty of that. One look at my bookshelves with all the various self-help and diet books and then a quick glance at my body will tell you that I'm reading alot but I'm not applying what I know. And that's the problem. I know too much and use too little.

Time to change all that.

It takes 21 days to develop a habit, good or bad. If you do something, every day for 21 days, voila! you've just gotten yourself a brand new habit. So when using a new tool- whether it's visualizing, being grateful or whatever you need at this moment in your life, try to do it for 21 days and see what happens. And before you know it, you're doing it on the 22nd day and the 23rd day, etc. Having said that, I think it's best to do one thing at a time. No sense in overloading the senses.

Right now, I'm working on breaking my very bad habit to eating chocolate everyday. I'm on day 5 with no chocolate. It hasn't been as bad as I thought but I know there will come a time when I'm going to crave it or just want it. And I better be prepared for when that happens. But that's what I'm working on right now.

It's time to put my money where my mouth is and make the effort.

On Thursday, I will go for my first weigh in at Unislim and those results will be the post on Friday.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Mea Culpa

I started this blog in an attempt to lose weight and gain control of my life. I thought if I made my struggle public, it would not only inspire me but shame me into taking drastic action. Apparently not.

So here I am, 5 months into my blog and not only haven't I lost any weight, but I've actually gained weight! I have no one to blame but myself: I'm not taking it seriously, I'm too lazy and I'm not disciplined enough.

As much as I want to be a 'free spirit' and do things my own way, I can't. I'm not strong enough and I need some help.

I feel like a fraud writing this blog when I'm failing so miserably.

Last night, I did something drastic and joined Unislim. I know, it goes against everything I've written about 'diets' but I'm desperate to change. Something. Anything. After the meeting, the Unislim leader, Bernie spent half an hour with me trying to figure out my eating habits. She said something very important to me, "You can't think of this as a 'diet,' you have to think of this as a permanent lifestyle change." Apparently, she hates the word, 'diet' as much as I do.

So onto the scale, I went.

23.4 stone.

I put on a pound since last month! I'm in freefall.

The meetings are every Thursday night and so every Friday I'll post my weight- losses hopefully. Weighing myself once a month is not working for me. There is way to much time to get into trouble. Then before I know it, not only has the 26th (weigh day) creeped up on me but more weight as well.

I've decided that if I fail at this, I will stop writing this blog. It's ridiculous for me to write about weight loss when all I'm doing is gaining.

But I have to make the effort.

For the next week, I'm going to think about how important this issue really is to me and how much am I willing to sacrifice of my level of comfort to make the changes necessary. And what kind of effort I'm going to put into it.

Do or die.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Toolbox Tuesday

The purpose of Toolbox Tuesday is to give both you and me a new tool to use in our effort to reach and stay at our ideal weight. When I talk about tools, I'm looking for something other than the usual standard issue tools that we all have after many years of dieting. For instance, you won't see me pulling out any tools that tell you to start walking everyday or drink more water, because we already know all this. Although application of said basic tools could probably be its own post. I'm looking for different tools; tools that I might not have thought could help me with my quest or my body 'issues.'

Today's tool is gratitude. One could easily wonder how this could possibly aid and abet in weight loss. If you're like me, you're an emotional eater; a comfort eater. To comfort means to relieve of something, whether that something may be boredom, fear, grief, anger, reliving a past trauma or opening an old wound. These, along with others, are dangerous conspirators against us in our effort to maintain not only a healthy, ideal weight but to have some semblance of self esteem and self confidence.

The habit of gratitude will take some time to develop. You can start by being grateful for waking up in the morning. To jump start this, write down all the things you are currently grateful for, past and present. Begin a journal, writing down all the 'grateful' moments of your day, from sunshine to the person who let you ahead in line at the grocery store. Before long, you'll take pleasure in the simplest things and be grateful for them. Not only that, you'll begin to feel grateful about things you are doing right in regards to your own quest. Instead of beating yourself up for eating when you weren't hungry, you'll become grateful that you didn't cave in and that you waited until your body signalled that you were hungry again.

Gratitude is an attitude.

'For all that we have and all that we are about to receive, Lord, make us truly grateful.'

Monday, April 19, 2010

A First Time for Everything

My mother always says that it's real easy to get into a rut but much harder to get out of it. I would add to that by saying you can be in a rut and not even know it.

This week, I realized not only that I'm in a severe rut but a pretty deep one as well. If it were any deeper, it'd be a grave.

Let me explain that this was a week of 'firsts' for me and it was only through these 'firsts' that I realized the extent of my rut.

On Thursday, I took the first train ride of my life. When I was told that I had to be in Dublin on Thursday, my immediate reaction was one of sheer terror. Dublin? OMG! How on earth would I ever get there? Even though it's only a 2 hour ride by train- it seemed like it was on the other side of the world to me. Once the terror subsided with a lot of help from my good friend, Chocolate, I must admit that my second feeling was one of foolishness. So, determined to get over myself, I booked my train ticket online and began to get used to the idea and then I was told I would have to get the Luas from the train to my destination. OMG! Luas? What on earth was that? I'd rather pay a gazillion dollars and take a cab. But no. It's only a tram. Once I realized that there was no way out of this trip to Dublin, I was determined not only to do it, but to not be afraid. Feel the fear and all that. I went online- how on earth did we survive before Google? and planned my route and where I had to be.

The train ride was uneventful and fun. The only embarrassing moment I had was when the man across from me got up and walked away and I stretched my legs out and promptly fell asleep. Sound asleep. It took 2 other passengers to wake me so the man could get back into his seat. Oops. I enjoyed it so much that I thought how I'd love to take the boys on the train to Dublin to the zoo maybe. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Then on Friday, 2 of my online writer friends, Clodagh Murphy and Trina Rea had decided to meet up with me in Limerick. No train this time, just a bus. Now the last time I was on a bus was around 1971 when my grandmother took me downtown to get new school clothes. Bus was fine- fell asleep on that too.

The only problem I had was getting from the bus depot to O'Connell St. With my sense of direction, I ended up taking the overland route and finally ended up at my destination much later than I planned. And I was breathless. And my hair was a mess.

Again when meeting up with these gals, whom I've known for 2 years through the online writer group that we all belong to, although I've never met them face to face. Another first. Despite the fact, that I really, really wanted to meet them, there was also an underlying sense of panic and terror. Again.

I've come to the conclusion that since moving to Ireland, I've slowly been cut off from civilization. Back in the US of A, I had a lot of family and friends that I saw on regular basis. But here it was a totally different story. I relied solely on my husband for conversation and companionship. Not his mistake, mine. And now, I don't even have that.

In my husband's house, I have managed to carve out a tiny bit of space for myself: the couch and my bedroom. My level of comfort is such that I am usually in my jammies by 6pm.

Not only have I fallen into obscurity, but I'm in danger of becoming a recluse as well. My grandmother had a sister who was a recluse for the last 5 years of her life. She wouldn't leave the house under any circumstance and had a taxi cab pick up and deliver her cases of Genessee beer each week. Sometimes, I wonder if that's what will happen to me. Except instead of delivering beer, they'd deliver family size bars of chocolate.

Ironically, I've flown about 30 times over the last 30+ years and aside from the length of the transatlantic flight, it doesn't bother me. And the one thing that I can't do on a plane is sleep. Go figure.

Needless to say, I came out at the end of the week all right. Well, more than all right. It was the little boost of confidence that I really needed. It's time to stop being afraid and start living again.

I'm eager for my boys to do things and not be afraid of life. It's important that they be exposed as much as possible to things so that they realizethat there is a much greater world outside of the four walls of a house.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Toolbox Tuesday

Out of today's toolbox, I've pulled a top ten list. The object is to make two separate lists, the first being the top ten reasons it is so painful to be overweight. The second list is the reasons it's so important to you personally to get to your ideal weight. Years ago, as an exercise, I listed all the reasons why I hated being fat and came up with a list of almost 150! I'll spare you that list and pare it down to 10.

10 Reasons Why it Is Painful for Me to Be Overweight:

1) Knees are shot. Unable to kneel or put any pressure on them whatsoever.

2) Chairs. Everywhere I go from the movies to a restaurant I have to be fully conscious of what type of chair I'm going to sit in. I'm vigilant about this all the time.

3)The Aquadome and any other water park. More than anything I would love to take the boys to a water park. But that would involve a bathing suit.

4)At first glance, everyone knows what your addiction is.

5)Clothes: nothing looks right and nothing fits right.

6) SOB. Shortness of breath with just about anything: climbing the stairs, trying to tie one's shoe or just rolling over in bed.

7) The inevitable comments that my boys will have to endure.

8) Always being the biggest person anywhere- so you always stand out.

9) The direct relationship between weight gain and letting yourself go.

10) How it affects every area of your life.

10 Personal Reasons for Getting to My Ideal Weight:

1) To gain self- confidence, self-esteem and self-respect.

2) Not only to be healthy but to feel healthy.

3) To wear a 4 inch pair of high heels without leaning over like the Tower of Pisa

4) To wear a pair of jeans.

5) To play tennis.

6) To be able to kneel or sit down on a floor and get up with no trouble.

7) To chase my boys around the yard, to take windsurfing lessons with them, to go tobogganing with them, etc.

8) To fit into any chair comfortably.

9) To put on a bathing suit and not be mortified.

10) To be able to look into a mirror and be proud of what I see.

I don't know about you, but I'm taping these lists to my refrigerator.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Food: The Universal Balm

No matter where you live or what culture you belong to, if you visit someone, what is the first thing they do after they offer you the most comfortable chair in the house? They feed you. Feeding someone is the surest way to signal to them that they are very welcome in your home. What happens when someone falls ill or dies? The pots and pans come flying out of the cupboards and a casserole marathon ensues. I wonder how many cups of tea were consumed in the course of history as tears were shed and problems discussed and solved. There seems to be nothing in life that a cup of tea cannot fix. Along with a piece of cake or pie. In times of trouble, it gives people- and probably more so with women- great satisfaction to feed other people as it is the most basic way to comfort others. If we are expecting company- what do we do? We run to the store to pick up a few things to feed them. A couple of years ago, my husband's brother stopped one night and I had nothing in the house to give him. And I mean nothing: no pie, no cake, not even a cookie to throw at him. I was mortified. But I'll be damned if I wasn't going to feed him something. I made him two pieces of toast with jam and served that with his tea. Offered my apologies and luckily, he had an excellent sense of humor.
Food also provides physical relief: ice cream in the summer, hot chocolate in the winter, chicken soup for a cold. It is a constant companion to just about all events in our lives. A cake to celebrate a birthday. Someone dies, we go to breakfast after the funeral. There's a luncheon at a christening and we get a dinner at a wedding. We can't watch TV without our favorite snack. Go to a national football, hockey, baseball (insert your sport of choice here) and get yourself a hot dog, a pretzel and some beer. After a night of drinking, we go out for breakfast (in the US) or to the local chipper for a takeaway (in Ireland). Movies are better with popcorn. A first date usually involves dinner and a movie.

Food is also season oriented. In the winter months, there's a lot of soups, stews and chili, in the summer it's easy: outdoor paper plate food. We get chocolate for Valentine's day. There's corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day and then more chocolate for Easter- and a ham too. From Memorial Day to Labor Day, we drag out our grills and it's hot dogs and hamburgers and corn on the cob. October is apples and cider. November is Thanksgiving(we won't even go there- that national holiday deserves it's own 'food' post). December rolls around and what do we do? In preparation for Christmas, we bake- cookies (in the US) and cakes (in Ireland).

We go out for dinner, we get invited over for dinner or we have family and friends over. The universal question that ricochets around the world everyday is 'What's for dinner?'
Life revolves around food. There's no way around it.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Toolbox Tuesday

Starting today, every Tuesday will be known here as 'Toolbox Tuesday.' Basically, I'll pick something out of a 'toolbox' so to speak that will help me and anyone else who needs it in their quest to get to their ideal weight.For this first post, I'd like to talk about visualization as a means to achieve this goal or any goal for that matter. Anyone can visualize and we all have an imagination- even though we may not use it as productively as we should.

I have a tool box full of 'tools' that I picked up over the years, but as in anything, you need the right tool for the job. I picked this tool first because I think it's important for me to go back to the beginning and start with the basics. In the same way that I'm listening to my body's signals for hunger, I have to go back and reprogram not only my thinking and my self-talk but my 'vision' of myself as well.

I wish what I know now I knew then. In other words, I wish that when I was a teenager I didn't let all those negative comments about my weight take hold to the point that it became second nature to me to see myself as 'fat' even though I wasn't. I focused so much on worrying about getting fatter and thinking I was fat, that my mind and body together collaborated and delivered it to me on a platter- right next to the roast beef and mashed potatoes.

Thoughts become things. Everything, material and immaterial, had its beginning as a thought. Your subconscious and brain can only deliver what you tell it or 'see.' Think of visualization as focused daydreaming.

This only takes about five minutes a day and is easy and fun to do.

All you need to do is imagine yourself in your mind's eye as the person you want to be at your ideal weight. I hesitate to say 'thin' as some of us just weren't born to be skinny and our ideal weight may not be according to the Metropolitan Life Insurance charts. Try to picture yourself as comfortable with your body and at your ideal weight. Enjoy the daydream with all your five senses. How does it make you feel to look in the mirror and see you at your physical ideal? How does it sound to your ears when someone tells you how great you look? How does it feel to pull on pair of jeans? The more detailed you can make it, the better it will be. To super charge it, pretend it is reality and really 'feel' the feelings associated with it. Your brain must deliver what you focus on. Try doing this every morning when you get up.

Books that I would recommend to read for more information along these lines would be The Secret (Rhonda Byrne), Write it Down Make it Happen( Henriette Klauser), and Creative Visualization( Shakti Gawain).

It's time that I 'see' the picture.

Friday, April 2, 2010

So Far So Good

Week one is done and dusted as they say and it's been pretty good so far. I'm following the rules set forth by Paul McKenna's book and it hasn't been too bad. I'm solely concentrating on listening for signs from my body for physical hunger and that has been eye opening to say the least. Still, I do feel guilty for eating what I want, but since I've been off the chocolate for a week I find I crave other things like salads and sandwiches and of course, my juice. Dieting or not, I always juice, I love it too much not to. Only once did I eat when I wasn't hungry- I had a yummy cucumber, red pepper and cream cheese sandwich- but I didn't beat myself up over it. After that, I didn't eat again until my stomach growled.

I should point out that I don't wait until I'm ravenous-weak with the hunger-on the verge of passing out hungry as that would do more harm than good. No, I wait until I feel the hunger in my stomach and once I hear two growls, I'm off to the kitchen.

The next thing I want to concentrate on is stopping when I'm full. This is very difficult for me for two reasons. One, I really enjoy food and two, I'm a life time member of the Clean Your Plate club. I can agonize over food left behind on a plate when my stomach is rumbling much later in the middle of the night. To prevent this angst, I eat everything on the plate. But I have a plan for that. To tackle my leftover-food-on-a-plate phobia, I'm going to wrap it up and save the remainder for later when my stomach growls again. The bigger problem will be putting the fork down and pushing myself away from the table.

But slowing down and enjoying my food will be my biggest problem of all. If speed eating were an Olympic sport, I could medal in it. I serve dinner in our house at 5:30 prompt. Kids first and then husband. Before I sit down, I wash all the pots. Then I sit down and shovel it all into my mouth in a matter of minutes. I'm finished before everyone else, even though I started last. I then finish the dishes and still, my oldest son is still eating. He laments that he's sooooo slow at eating (he is- it takes him an hour) but I tell him he's fine and he'll never have digestive problems. I come from a family of speedy eaters and we managed to talk as we were piling it in like we hadn't had a meal in a weeks. The 7 of us sat down for dinner at 5pm and we were all finished by 5:10. My mother was the only one who left anything on her plate. Now wonder we all have varying degree of stomach problems.

But as Jen says, progress not perfection.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin

I became aware Paul McKenna in the most backward way. First, I caught the last 10 minutes of him on a QVC commercial. I liked him- he had a lot of charisma, but I missed the beginning of the show and therefore didn't really catch what his 'diet' was all about. I thought about him for a few days and then simply put him out of my mind. One day in the library, his 90 Day Success Journal was upfront and center and so I checked it out. It was good, but again, I really needed the accompanying book- I Can Make You Thin to go with it, but alas, the library didn't have that. This time I didn't forget about it, I simply filed it away for future reference. During my trip home to the US at Christmas 2008, I made another heady trip to my local bookstore- Barnes and Noble and there was his book, I Can Make You Thin on the display table as soon as I walked into the door. Now I don't need to be whacked on the head to get the hint, so I bought the book, of course.

He states right from the beginning that the book can be read in about 2 hours. It can be. And it is full of information. It all sounds simple- and it probably is- it's just that the application is the thing that proves to be the most difficult.

I tried it last year for 3 days- but the timing was wrong. At the same exact time, I had just started my dark journey into hell. However, 14 months later and although still living the nightmare, I'm getting 'used' to it, so to speak. Plus, I've got a year of counselling under my belt and some fabulous insight and self discovery courtesy of said counselling.

Anyways, here I am with a 10 pound weight gain since last month. The last two weeks have been atrocious, to say the least. Since last January, I have put on 50 lbs.! Yikes. A couple of people have mentioned that perhaps now isn't the best time to confront my weight problem with all that is going on in my home life. The reason being that comfort eating is my coping mechanism among other things. But as my sister pointed out, when will it ever be a good time? We all have 'stuff' going on at any given time in our lives.

So anyways, since Friday, I've picked his book back up and instead of zipping through it in 2 hours and jumping right in, I've decided to take it slow.

This is not a diet by the way. Here are the 4 Golden Rules:

-when you're hungry, EAT
-eat what you want, not what you think you should
-eat consciously and enjoy every mouthful
-when you think you are full, STOP eating

These are very straightforward, simple rules. However, I have a false appetite. I eat to comfort myself and to push down feelings that I don't want to deal with. It would never occur to me to eat when I was actually hungry. I can't remember the last time my stomach growled. And although I'm full and sometimes sick, there is something there that is not sated and it is not my hunger.

I've decided to focus for the time being on listening to my body to see what true hunger feels like. I'll get to the rest of the steps, but first, I need to find out what it feels like to be hungry. For the past thirty years, I've listened to my head and my heart instead of my stomach.

I started this on Friday, the 26th and I caught myself on the first day eating 'unconsciously' not noticing if I was hungry or not and not even paying any attention to what I was putting into my mouth.

McKenna does give a hunger scale from 1-10 and suggests in the beginning to check every hour where you are on the scale.

All I can do is give it my college girl try.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Week in Review

Earlier this week, I had a pivotal 24 hour day.

As I had mentioned previously, I had an appointment to see the bariatric surgeon in Cork City about the gastric bypass surgery. In a chat with his receptionist Monday morning about one thing, I learned that my 'private' health insurance doesn't cover the 17k surgery. Let me clarify, it does but the plan I'm on does not. So after 2 months of mentally psyching myself up, it won't be done. At least not anytime soon. I could switch to one of the other plans but then I'd have to wait the 2 years for a 'pre existing' condition. To say that I was disappointed is an understatement. I was well aware of the risks with the surgery, namely death and complications as well as gaining all the weight back however I had felt that I had reached the breaking point.

By Monday evening however, I had a different slant on things. I felt that there was a reason for this- that it was not going to happen. I was still disappointed but I had come to accept it.

Continuing on this arc of all things happen for a reason, Tuesday morning I received an email from my good friend, Barb Z. to check out That's Fit website and the testimonial of Larissa and how well she did on Gwen Shamblin's Weigh Down diet, a faith based diet.

The funny thing is, I had been on this diet back in the late 1980's or early 90's. Within the last year I wanted to try it again but I couldn't think of the name of the diet or the woman who wrote it. I had liked the premise of it. Basically, exchange your relationship with food for a relationship with God. It teaches you to listen to your body and cut your portions and always eat the best parts first. I always eat the parts I don't like first and save the best parts for last. Also you could eat what you want. I do remember that I lost 8 pounds the first week ( and at that point, I had only weighed 190 lbs, oy vey!) But she distinctly said to wait until you are truly, truly stomach growling hungry and at the beginning this might take 24-48 hours. It took me 24 hours at the time. Probably take me about a week now.

I like the old saying that I'm a spiritual being having a human experience and not a human being having a spiritual experience. So, I had no problems with some of her premises. I agree with her premise that God wants us to be happy and that all this food was created for us to enjoy but in moderation. I agree that we should be turning to God instead of food in times of trouble. My only discomfort with the book was the Southern Belt bible thumping Praise Jesus stuff. I'm whole heartedly for a better relationship with God or the Christ consciousness or whatever you want to call it but I don't want it in an in your face way.

I looked it up on Amazon and I had planned on ordering it but I can only get it from the Amazon- US site- so the book only costs $10 but they'll charge about $50 to ship and handle it (as my dad always says, 'Don't handle it so much, just ship it!') Anyways, I looked on my bookshelf for something similar and found that I have acquired 9 books on dieting alone since I've moved to Ireland 4 years ago. I went back to Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin which I had bought 18 months ago and really liked. Similar premise except no God part. And a CD comes with it.

So this week has been an eye opener for me, proving once again, that sometimes, the answer was right there all along.

Anyways, yesterday was the 26th and here are my stats:

23.3 stone

326 pounds

148.2 kg

It's embarassing to be writing a blog about losing weight and then end up gaining. I'm determined to apply the principles in Paul McKenna's book. That will be the next post. Watch for it here.

Also, note the BMI (Body Mass Index) calculator on the left of the blog. See what your BMI is- for free and privately, of course.

Forget about dieting. Forever. Diets are essentially training course in how to get fat and feel like a failure.

Paul McKenna

Thursday, March 25, 2010

This Is My Life

Just wanted to share this with everyone today.

I normally don't fawn over tv commercials, in fact, I rarely watch tv, but when this ad comes on, I stop what I'm doing just to watch and listen.

I'm curious to find out if it has ever been shown Stateside.

Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_gBpo5s-OA

Saturday, March 20, 2010

It's All Relative

Today, I thought about how women worry about their weight and some obsess about it- namely myself. After my boys, I worry most about my weight.

I began to wonder if men obsess about their weight and I mean really obsess about it. I highly doubt it. Men are pretty simple, straightforward creatures and I mean that as a compliment. Women tend to analyze things too much. We think way too much for our own good sometimes. We look for every nuance, angle and hidden meaning in any given situation. And then we like to keep going over and over it in our heads. It's what I like to call being a dead horse beater.

For example, try to picture a man saying any of the following:

Does this make my butt look big?'

'I hate my arms.'

'I'm a chocoholic.'

'Even my fat pants don't fit.'

'I just hate myself for eating that!'

It's only lunch and I've already eaten my points for the day.'

'I'll take my glasses off when I weigh myself.'

'I feel so bloated.'

'My hormones are all out of whack.'

'There's no way I'm putting on a bathing suit.'

'I'm going back to Weight Watchers.'

'Oh try these, they only have 1 point.'

And if they are worrying about their weight, what do they do? Switch to lite beer and head to the gym. Simple.

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Happy Medium

I am fully aware that I've missed the post on the 26th of February. And there is a reason for this. Not a good one, but one nonetheless. There is no change in anything: my weight, my pattern of thinking and most of all, my relationship with food.

The stats remain the same.

Two things have occurred.

First, I was all geared up to join Unislim last week. Similar to Weight Watchers, they use units instead of points. At the last minute, I abandoned ship. I just couldn't do it. And I didn't want to. It would have been my third time joining not to mention the two times that I joined Weight Watchers here in Ireland. So, not only am I a veteran of all sorts of American diets but now Irish ones as well. Around the world's diets in 80 years.

But I did make an appointment to see a bariatric surgeon in Cork for April about the gastric bypass surgery. I must check it out. The insurance companies require that you see a dietician for six months prior to the surgery. Initially, I was upset because, being a Zimmer girl and liking everything done yesterday, I'd been hoping that the surgery might be able to be done right away. Like this week. However, the more I turn it over in my mind, this is a good thing, both the dietician and the waiting.

I travel between two ends of the spectrum. At one end is total lack of self control and disregard for what is being put into my mouth. At the other end is deprivation (or dieting). I don't like either ends. What I'm looking for is the happy medium. It is my Holy Grail. It sounds easy but I find it elusive.

I'm reminded of the movie, The Maltese Falcon. In it, Sidney Greenstreet plays Mr. Gutman, a man who has spent his whole life travelling the world in search of the fabulous bejeweled bird. When this particular bird turns out to be a phony, initially he is gutted but he soon recovers and is off again to some foreign port in search of that elusive bird.

I am him. And my quest continues.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Hamster and I

Whenever I think what animal I might be -and not that I do this often so no need to worry and call the men in white suits with nets- I always imagined I was closer kin to say, maybe, dolphins or swans. Either I'm a fantasist or a nutter, but I'm clearly deluded.

As it turns out, I'm much closer to the hamster than I previously thought. I never gave hamsters a second glance much less a second thought, but since getting one as a pet almost a month ago, well I'm a little more knowledgeable about those furry little guys.

Here's what I've observed and read about hamsters that relate directly to me:

1) They're hoarders. Hamsters like to bury and hide their food all over the place in their cage. I do the same thing with the Galaxy chocolate bars. The boys know that this is the 'emergency' chocolate but they don't know where I hide it. Because, hey, you never know when there is going to be an emergency.

2) Our hamster has doubled his size since we brought him home from the pet store. Same thing happens to me: I just look at food and I blow up.

3) Hamsters like to burrow. Our little guy buries himself under shavings and white nesting until is bed is about 4 inches high in the cage. I do the same thing. My bed isn't perfect until I have so many blankets layered on that I can barely move.

4)Hamsters don't like you disturbing their home. Me neither. I know my room looks a mess, but I know where everything is. I don't like others nosing around in my things. I can tell the hamster feels the same way. He has everything just so and then I come along and clean out his cage. I can sense his displeasure and I sympathize.

5)Hamsters are nocturnal. I am not a morning person and now I have a pet who isn't either. Well into the middle of the night, I'll be up and the hamster is on his wheel. We are both quite content this way.

Like the hamster, I've learned that when things get to be too much, it's a good idea to burrow in for a little nap with an emergency hoard nearby.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Things I Love About Ireland

It's only fair that I post the flip side to my previous blog. Here are the things that I love about my adopted country:

1) The Irish People. The rumors are true: the Irish are the friendliest, most hospitable bunch of people I've ever met. But most of all, in the 4 years that I've lived here, I've had to remind myself that I am a foreigner here because I never feel that way.

2) Green. Green is the predominant color scheme here all year round. After a good few days of rain, the countryside turns this luxurious shade of green for which there is no name.

3) Scenery. Ireland is the prettiest country in my own opinion. I never get tired of looking at the view, whether I'm in Clare, Tipperary or Kerry. The next stop can only be heaven.

4) The fire. Sitting by the fire is a national pasttime, and one which I don't think I could do without, no matter where I lived.

5) Rain. Yes, I love the rain. And it rains here alot. But it gives the place atmosphere and sometimes, especially if there's fog thrown in for good measure, I feel as if I'm in the middle of a PD James or Elizabeth George novel.

6) Artefacts. They are practically tripping over artefacts here. From the beehive huts in Kerry to Newgrange in Meath, the place is a veritable landmine of artefacts. Locally, back in 1868, 2 boys digging for potatoes found a large, ornate chalice now known as the Ardagh chalice. Just 2 weeks ago in the paper was the story of a Ballylongford, Kerry woman who was cleaning out her grate and found the 1,400 year old Christian broach which had been preserved in the turf. It staggers the imagination what treasure is still out there, undiscovered.

7) Size. And it really doesn't matter. This is a small country. We live in the southwest and we could easily drive to Dublin in about 4 hours which is in the northeast. You don't have to travel far to see something here.

8) Lifestyle. It's a very laidback, sleepy lifestyle. That would be one of the things that I love the most- there's no panic. The country really doesn't start to wake up until 10am. And forget about Sundays- the place is a ghosttown.

9) The Irish Independent. I can't help it but I've become addicted to this daily newspaper, especially the Sunday edition, there are just so many interesting things to read.

10) The produce. Granted, I am big fan of Wegmans, but the Irish produce is superior bar none. You haven't tasted a real carrot until you've eaten an Irish one.

11) The Dail. These politicians should have their own reality show. Not for the politically correct I can assure you. The way they trade barbs and insult each other left and right is downright hilarious at times. Who cares if they're not accomplishing anything, they make us laugh in these dire times.

12)Dingle Peninsula. I cannot not mention this place or more specifically, Inch, Dunquin and Ventry. When I first came to the peninsula, it was both familiar and for the first time in my life, I had the feeling that I had come home. No matter where I end up, my ashes will be scattered at Inch Beach.

My heart belongs to America and my soul belongs to Ireland.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Things I Miss About America

I thought that I'd take a break from talking constantly about 'weight and weight issues' and instead, blog about what I miss about America.

1) My family and friends. Needs no explanation except to say that it is an ache that never goes away.

2) Variety. In the US, there truly is something for everyone and everything. I think of the options for cake, pizza and coffees, alone (food of course). But it's like that for everything under the sun.

3) Convenience. It is a 24/7 country. It is never totally asleep. In the middle of the night, you can go to a supermarket, a drugstore, a restaurant, a casino and a gas station. When I used to have trouble sleeping, I'd jump in the car at 3am and go for coffee (and a donut, of course).

4) Four Seasons. Four very distinct seasons with their accompanying, distinct sights and smells. Spring with the mossy green color of the buds and the way the air smells of damp earth at the start of the season. Summer and its golden hues of green and the scents of barbecue, suntan lotion and fresh mowed lawn. Autumn with her leaves in varying hues of red, orange, yellow and purple and the smell of burning leaves and apple cider. Winter is a cold, crisp day with a warm sun, crunching snow and the perfume of Christmas trees.

5) Sports. I just can't make heads or tails of rugby, soccer and football here. It all seems the same. Give me hockey and football, American style, please. Or more specifically, the Sabres and the Bills.

6) Optimism. Despite all the things that are wrong with the US, there is still a lot that is right with it. And Americans, despite their penchant for lawsuits, reality TV and fast food, are still a very optimistic bunch. No whiners allowed.

7) Vastness. You cannot fully appreciate how physically big the US is until you leave it and go someplace else, like Ireland or Europe.

8) Cheaper cost of living. Complaining about gas? Try paying 1.19 a liter- that's almost $6 a gallon. Groceries, clothes, housing, everything is more expensive.

9) Thunderstorms. Despite all the rain, I can count on one hand the times I've heard thunder here in Ireland during the last 4 years. How I long for a good old fashioned American storm: black clouds rolling in, the flash of lightning and the boom of thunder.

10) Crickets. What I wouldn't give to hear them on a hot summer's night.

11) Thanksgiving. After Christmas, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday- I'd wax sentimental about it. I think it's wonderful that a nation pauses and is thankful. And there is no gift buying involved.

12) Freedom. Everything I have, everything I am and everything I freely spout out of my mouth without fear of retribution, I owe because someone else picked up a gun and defended our ideals. There are just some things in this life that you can never be thankful enough for.

There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be fixed by what is right with America.

Bill Clinton

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Weightlessness

Being a big, heavy woman, I tend to be slow moving or not moving at all. My ankle, knee and hip joints sing clickety click whenever I move. I am hyper aware of my body, especially in relation to other people and my immediate environment.

However, there are times when I am weightless.

Water. Water is a fat woman's friend. The bigger you are, the more bouyant you are. I love the fact that when I jump into a pool- well I don't jump- no sense in splashing the windows on the second floor- or wade into the water at the beach, I can float to my heart's content and not sink to the bottom. I'm sure that it was something that was explained in senior Physics class. I skipped that class and took Marriage and Family instead. As it turns out, I should have took the Physics class.

Meditation. For the past 9 or 10 years, I have meditated but not as much as I should. I love when you get to that point when you can no longer feel your body, when you've detached from it. It's a light, ethereal, floating feeling. I'm told (by no one in particular) that when we pass on, we go to the afterlife/heaven/other side in full consciousness but without our bodies. My favorite assertion is that our souls will be reunited with our 'perfect' bodies at the end of time. I figure that it will probably take me an eternity to get my ideal body.

Dreaming. During my dreams and even my nightmares, I am not at all conscious of my weight. In fact, I usually have the body of my dreams. I'm sure that there is some sort of hidden meaning there or a subconscious desire. Or is this akin to something like a paralytic dreaming that he's walking.

So as I forge ahead on my path, I'll continue floating, meditating and dreaming if only to achieve that wonderful feeling of weightlessness.

The real pleasure was having the chance to enjoy being weightless, and the other was to spend some time looking out at this beautiful Earth that we're all lucky to inhabit.

Robert Crippen

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It's That Time Again

It's that time of the month again.

Despite everything, I got on the scale and faced up to the fact that since the last weigh in, things haven't been good and I have no one to blame but myself.

Here are the stats and it isn't pretty:

313 lbs
22.5 stone
142.8 kg

I'm right back where I started: square one. In 2 months, I've come full circle. I've gained back the weight that I lost. It was the shortest yo yo diet I've ever been on.

I don't feel sorry for myself and I'm not beating myself up over it. It is what it is. I will dust myself off and get back up.

Besides, I'm afflicted with a terrible condition: it's a thing called hope and I've got it in spades. Deep down inside, somewhere, I believe, no- I know, that I'm going to pull myself together, close my mouth and fulfill my potential and be my ideal weight.

I've gained weight. I'm no further ahead as far as getting out of my dysfunctional marriage than I was 5 months ago. I agonise over how the divorce will affect the boys. I'm struggling with 2 very different drafts of the same novel that I've been trying to write for the last year.

And yet, I feel happy today. Perhaps it was the sunshine. It could have been the realization that I'm analyzing details too much instead of focusing on outcomes. Or maybe- just maybe- it was the fact that I didn't beat myself up. Maybe today, I'd love myself, faults and all.

Tomorrow, I may be on that slide into despair. But I have today. And I'm full of hope.

Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

Henry David Thoreau

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Blind In One Eye And Can't See Out The Other

I have been struggling with this post since Monday.

Initially when I started this blog it was in an attempt to get control of my life and more specifically, my weight. As of late, I've blogged about everything else but what I've set out to do. I thought blogging would be kind of an aversion therapy by putting my demons out there in the public domain. Instead, I've realized how serious my avoidance issues are. In my life, I can be accused, tried and convicted of ignoring problems in the hopes that they will just magically disappear. My warped reasoning is that if I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. Which is what is happening now.

Halfway through to my next weigh in, and I have to admit to struggling. I did the juicing for the prescribed 7 days and on the 7th day, I rested and ate an order of garlic and cheese fries. After only juice all week, it probably wasn't the best food to re-introduce to my digestive tract. Even the book says to ease back into eating. But not me. No, for some strange reason, I think that those rules don't apply to me. The cast iron stomach that I had in my 20's has eroded into a rust bucket.

As to the struggle, I can't explain it. I want to lose weight. I want to take control. Funny, when I was juicing, I felt great. The difference for me was very noticeable. Now, I still juice, irregularly but I do it. Sometimes, I'm not feeling so well, so I juice as a quick pick me upper. It always works.

So, what's the problem? That's just it- I don't know. If juicing makes me feel great, why am I overloading on carbs? I truly don't know the answer to that one. Am I lazy? Am I trying to bury feelings and stress? Or maybe, I don't want to- maybe-just maybe, I want to eat those carbs. Or is it a combination of all of the above plus more? The thought that maybe deep down I really don't want to give up food is overwhelming and maybe more than I can bear. It just can't be. I don't want to be fat! It's not that I want to be thin/slim, I want to be at an optimum level of health for me. And boy do I know that I'm not there now.

My online writer friend, Keris, has a blog, 500 to 40 and by doing so has gently reminded me of the purpose of my own blog. I'm addicted to her blogs- check them out: http://dellasays.wordpress.com/ and http://500to40.wordpress.com/

I constantly refer to this as a struggle. And I'm a big believer in 'thoughts become things.' So perhaps, I'm setting myself up for failure with my thoughts. Or maybe, I just think too much.

I'm off the beaten track but don't worry, I'm clawing my way back.

It isn't until you begin to fight in your own cause that you become committed to winning.

Robin Morgan

Friday, January 8, 2010

Cabin Fever

Ireland is in the middle of its longest cold snap since 1963. The temperature has dipped below freezing, the roads are covered in ice and there seems to be no break in the forecast.

As a former Buffalonian, I'm taking this one in stride. Like others, I've been stranded (blizzard of '85), my flight has been delayed (blizzard of 2001) and I've rolled over on many a morning after hearing Danny Neavereth on the radio announce that my school was closed. I love snow days- but that's for another blog.

Ireland, bless her heart, is not prepared for this. The big rain cloud that usually hovers over the island ran off for cover with the arrival of the Artic Blast. Stories abound of burst pipes and car accidents. I can handle the driving despite the fact that there is no such thing as all season radials.

What I can't handle is cabin fever. And I've got a bad case of it.

The boys were let out of school for Christmas break on Dec. 22nd. They were supposed to go back yesterday, Jan. 7th. Despite the visit by Santa, they're bored and I've become their number 1 playmate. Yesterday, I got a text telling me that school would reopen on Monday the 11th. Ok. Then tonight, Batt O'Keefe, the education minister, announced that all schools would remain closed until next Thurs the 14th.

It was at that point that I collapsed on the couch and stuck a knitting needle into the middle of my forehead. All I know is that there are a lot of days between now and next Thursday. I refuse to count them. I don't think I could handle it.

We've played every game, put together every toy and watched every DVD. They were outside yesterday for 30 minutes but they must have come in about 30 times.
"My gloves are wet."
"I don't want to wear a hat."
"My socks are wet."
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"What are you doing?"
"Can you fill the pail with water?"
"Can I eat the snow?"
"Can I come in? I'm cold."

We play swords. A lot. If I simply walk by Daniel, I get, "Hey, Mommy, you want to play swords?" What can I do? I've copped on and now manage to fight from a sitting position and I leave all the running and jumping to the boys. However, the 2 of them together are lethal and despite the fact that they're made of foam(the swords not the boys), I'm the one who usually ends up getting hurt. Michael swings his sword like a bat and I now have to wear the Snake Eyes helmet for protection. Although I must admit the black helmet with the pink, fluffy bathrobe is kind of snazzy.

I invited a few of their friends over for play dates but that deteriorated during one play date when my boys started fighting with each other. The kid yelled, "If you 2 don't stop fighting, I'm going home." This same kid also yelled, "Daniel, stop that shouting," when Daniel tried to impress him with his ninja moves.

It's amazing how the screaming and fighting escalate when I a) get on the phone, b) go to the bathroom and c) start taking my clothes off to get dressed.

If I stretch out on the couch, Daniel will tap me and say "Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy," about 400 hundred times until I open my eyes. Michael thinks that because my eyes are closed our faces need to be touching in order for me to know that he's there. Oh don't worry, my darling Michael, Mommy knows you're there.

We had a pajama day one day and now they think every day should be a pyjama day. If I didn't insist they get dressed, they'd still be wearing their pyjamas from Christmas.

Michael has gone through an industrial role of scotch tape and about 500 sheets of printer paper wrapping everything up to send to my mother. If I stand still long enough, he'll probably wrap me up.

Tonight, Daniel clunked by me, his gait unsteady, wearing a pair of roller skates. I like to think that maybe I was hallucinating.

Next Thursday, I don't care if there is 10 feet of snow outside and I have to walk barefoot with the 2 of them on my back. They ARE going back to school.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Serendipity

Saturday was a serendipitous day.

Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary describes serendipity as "the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for."

First off, my writer friend, Keris, mentioned in her blog that last year she focused on 'abundance' with some good results. That reminded me that I already knew this, but I needed to start applying it to my own life if I'm ever to escape this financial inertia.

Secondly, another writer friend, Jacqui, in a comment to Debs Riccio's blog, mentioned The Adventurer's Club (http://www.tut.com/theclub/) and I had to check it out. If you're a big fan of The Secret, this site is worth checking out.

Lastly, yet another writer friend, Avis, casually mentioned to me about the Fast First Draft group on the Write Words website. It's similar to NaNoWriMo. For those of you unfamiliar with NaNoWriMo it's short for National Novel Writing Month which takes place every November and you attempt to write a book (about 50,000 words) by the end of the month, without editing it as you go along. I managed 37k with everything going on. But I did complete it in 2008. Anyways, apparently they've started a similar group on WW which I must check out if I'm going to keep my resolution of writing 500 words a day.

I don't believe in coincidence, to me there is no such thing. A coincidence is merely a sign from the Universe. On Saturday, the universe sent me a lot of information that I needed, but wasn't necessarily looking for.

Already, 2010 feels so much better.

Whether she liked it or not, books always appeared when she needed them.

Sarah Allen